Mating and Relating
Where curiosity meets conversation! Mating and Relating is bringing the real, the taboo and the relatable to the table in love, sex and relationships!
I’m Bri and my mission for the M&R Podcast is to be a safe space to explore the nuances of relationships and sex. We are connective beings meant to nourish and embrace our erotic nature with ourselves and with others. Whether platonic, romantic, monogamy, multi-gamy or somewhere in between, we all desire to live and feel fully expressed, safely loved and well f*cked; specifically in the ways that nurture and expand our individual versions of self and intimacy.
Each week I’ll aim to normalize the convo and refine the stigmas around sex and love through candid chats, personal experiences, educated segments and empowering tidbits to show you just how relatable your desires and situations actually are!
Invite your friends, your partner, your mother or your platonic lovers and join the convo everyone is begging to have more of!
Mating and Relating
Coffee In The Morning: What Is Sex & What Do We Really Want From Each Other In Bed?
Ask Bri! Got a question? Send it over and listen out for a response during the following episode!
Talking about sex can be intimidating, but it's essential for creating a fulfilling sexual relationship. We unpack how to communicate about sex effectively while navigating the complex interplay between desire, pleasure, and intimacy.
• Asking for consent before discussing sex creates a safer space for vulnerability
• The way we define sex shapes our expectations and desires in relationships
• Rating sexual satisfaction across frequency, intimacy, and satisfaction helps identify specific areas for growth
• Sexual tension often stems from context rather than rejection
• Honoring your partner's sexual boundaries while expressing your desires leads to greater intimacy
• Quality of sexual encounters matters more than frequency in cultivating desire
• Non-sexual intimacy (cuddling, back rubs, emotional availability) creates foundation for sexual connection
• Communication about specific desires (more foreplay, full-body attention) leads to more satisfying experiences
If you're struggling with sexual communication in your relationship, start by asking your partner: "Are you open to having an intentional conversation about our sex life?" Remember, communication is lubrication.
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Stay sexy, Stay curious,
Love, Bri
Do not disturb, thank you.
Speaker 2:Do not disturb.
Speaker 1:Yeah, Do not disturb folks. I got a fun way of questions for you today. You excited about them.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I need to put my. Should I put my phone on?
Speaker 1:You should put your phone on.
Speaker 2:Oh, it was on right. Now it's on silent.
Speaker 1:Now it's on silent Coffee in the morning.
Speaker 2:Ding ding.
Speaker 1:That's literally my first cup. My first sip, that's your first sip, it's like all my worries go away.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's a good feeling.
Speaker 1:It's a really good feeling. Okay, so I made a post recently about whether or not you're satisfied with your sex life or happy with your sex life, right? And the post is basically to get people to start communicating about sex, because obviously we know that it's a huge topic in relationship.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:It's like one of the main things people struggle with.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:In relationship. You and I have even struggled with Our sexual appetites and desires within our relationship, so I want to go through the questions with you. Okay, sure, okay.
Speaker 2:So the first question is are you open to having an intentional conversation about our sex?
Speaker 1:life? Yes. The second one is what is sex considered for you, or what do you consider sex to?
Speaker 2:be. Let me go back to the first question. Let me elaborate more on the first question. Yes, I am open to do that. I think it's very hard to maybe bring stuff up or you feel you can feel insecure about bringing stuff up or nervous about bringing stuff up In the beginning. I don't think I was. I mean, I would say even like four or five years ago it was even maybe a harder topic to bring up. Now I think it's definitely easier. Our communication has changed. But yes, I will bring it up, but I think beforehand. Five years ago, six years ago, I keep pushing it back, but like five years ago, years ago, I keep pushing it back, but like five years ago, yeah, that might have been a a more definitely a difficult conversation, a more difficult conversation and also I probably would not have presented it in a way of like are you open and do you have capacity to have this type of conversation with right?
Speaker 1:I wouldn't have presented it that way right so it's also been like doing the work on how to actually bring the conversation up to your partner sure yeah because sometimes that can be really off-putting. Like we both work from home, so if I were to just go upstairs and be like, hey, can we talk about our sex, you'd be like what, what.
Speaker 2:But I think if you started a conversation like, if you never talk like that, the way you brought up the conversation, yeah, if you never have said that, and then you said it like hey, are you open to talk about talking about our sex, I'd be like what's happening?
Speaker 1:is this a?
Speaker 2:test, because if you're, if you're not, if you're not asking other questions like that, yeah, or you're not. You don't normally talk like that. It might be off-putting to your partner to be like why are you coming at me like that, not in a bad way, but just like?
Speaker 1:it feels that's an interesting way to come at me with a conversation or to present a conversation.
Speaker 2:I shouldn't say come at me, because that's always aggressive right.
Speaker 1:It feels already immediately like an attack right, but no, it's.
Speaker 2:I don't think it's an attack, but like presenting a conversation, because I don't. I don't necessarily think if it's an attack, I just think it's a different way of presenting a conversation.
Speaker 1:That's kind of like so then, what for you would feel like a good way to present the conversation. That is a good way I'm.
Speaker 2:What I'm saying is for other people. If you've never done that before, I'm used to it now. That's how you present everything. Yeah, you know. Yeah, are you okay about talking about dinner? It's almost like yeah, I'm okay about you, do it with everything, yeah what I'm saying is like if you, five years ago, if you came at me and said those and said the said it in that language. I'd be like what's happening?
Speaker 1:would it, though? Let me ask you this would it, though? Would it, yes, maybe catch you off guard, but to go, oh, like would you be able to drop into your nervous system a little bit more, like, okay, like again. Maybe you wouldn't think about it that way, but like would you?
Speaker 1:I don't think about it, but yeah and be like yeah oh wow, like, yeah, she's actually asking me if I uh have availability for this conversation. Okay, cool. So, yes, maybe it might be serious. Yeah, yes, so, like she asked me if I'm willing to, I can actually give her an answer yes or no, for that, like what would it bring up? So let's just say, like people don't talk like that to each other. Are there positives to asking for consent for these types of conversations?
Speaker 2:Yeah, there are. I just think it depends on the relationship. I think some relationships, some guys might feel way caught off guard and be like what's happening?
Speaker 1:But more caught off guard than being like. I want to talk about our sex life.
Speaker 2:I mean, I don't know, it just depends. I think there's a positive way of saying that. Yes, your way of saying it is definitely more positive, positive. But I think it's one of those things of like I don't think if you come at it in an aggressive tone like you just the way the last time you just said, it sounds way more aggressive, and even the way you're saying it is more aggressive, so maybe if I was just like, hey, can we talk about our sex like that. That to me is still different. You know?
Speaker 1:yeah, absolutely, I agree.
Speaker 2:It's the tone in which you say it, but also your, the way you say it too, yeah, the intention Can depend Absolutely. I mean no, I meant like the way as in, like the specific words you say oh, yeah Are you open to talk about? Are you open Like? Those are great terms. I think there are certain terms that make sense in bringing up conversations and relationships. I just think if you're in a relationship and you've never talked, like that before it would be off-putting You'd be like where did you get that from Right?
Speaker 2:yeah, brie, I got it from, actually Brie and John Right right, and some people might even ask that, like, is this a TikTok thing? It might, you know, hopefully it does, but it's still one of those things, like I think the whole majority to answer your question yes, yeah, I am okay with bringing it up. I just think that, yeah, the way in which it's brought up can also depend. You know what I mean.
Speaker 1:Was that an eyelash?
Speaker 2:It was like a.
Speaker 1:But it wasn't an eyelash, because if it was an eyelash, it wasn't an eyelash because you didn't make. Let me make a wish.
Speaker 2:I would have been upset it wasn't an eyelash, it was a eye booger.
Speaker 1:But so, yeah, if it's not one, if that type of language like are you open to having an intentional conversation about our sex life, does not feel good, then, yes, phrasing it like, hey, like, can we talk about our sex, that might be a little bit easier to digest, right for somebody who's receiving the question. Right, okay, cool, so I don't know.
Speaker 2:I feel like if you're already having like bad sex and you know it's bad sex in the relationship, and then you bring it up that way, it's like, yeah, I don't know if that's the right way of bringing it up right, wrong.
Speaker 2:It's more of like what feels more I I'm just gonna say right and wrong as in like, because it's. I do think there are right ways to bring things up. I feel like there's a there is a correct path and there's an incorrect path. Right yeah, if you come at it completely aggressive, that's not going to be right.
Speaker 1:I think it's about intentionality too, like if your intention is to already like degrade the partner, like to just already show you that like I hate our sex.
Speaker 2:Right. Then, of course, the way that Like to just already show you that like I hate our sex.
Speaker 1:Right, we need to talk about it. Exactly, we need to talk about our sex. Like you said, aggressive the intention there is. Like I want you to know that you're fucking up in our fuck life, and like I don't like it.
Speaker 2:There's already undertone there. Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 1:But it can be a really vulnerable conversation. So even just presenting the question, are you okay?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I have eye eye booger. Sorry, I just noticed. I just felt them. Yeah, I can't see them, you're so pretty. I just felt them. I felt crusty, well, I could feel them slept hard, you slept really hard it was.
Speaker 1:The rain sounds it was the rain sounds okay, so um but it can be hard bringing it on. So also just offering yeah the space to your partner, like asking for the consent with that type of communication. Can like do a couple different things, like Like go, hey, I really want to have this important conversation with you. And two like are you actually available for it right now?
Speaker 2:Yeah, setting up the question is is way better than just out the gate Like hey are you okay to talk about? Yeah, or I want to talk about our sex Like, instead of being like, I have a serious conversation that I want to have with you. Do you have a moment to like really?
Speaker 1:sit in our feelings.
Speaker 2:I just want to bring it up.
Speaker 1:You said really sit in our feelings, yeah, that was so cute, give me a kiss.
Speaker 2:I want to talk about it Cute, I want to talk about it so, and then you can bring it up. You know, right, I just feel like some people go right out the gate, and that's when people feel very standoffish about it. I agree.
Speaker 1:I agree.
Speaker 2:So, yes, I do feel comfortable enough to talk about it. Yeah, perfect.
Speaker 1:So what is considered sex for you? What would you consider sex to be?
Speaker 2:I don't know. I mean penetration.
Speaker 1:Yeah, Penetration P and G. P and G, p and A, yeah, p and M. Well, c, yeah, p and E. I'm just kidding, can you do that? No, I don't think so.
Speaker 2:I don't know. Okay, I don't know. I mean penetration, but also just being super intimate with someone. Yeah, you know you know, kissing, loving, caressing with someone or me I'm just talking in general. Yes with you. Yes, absolutely with you. Yes, just kidding, being naked, you know? Um, yeah cuddling naked holding each other. Yeah, you know, that is all sex for you?
Speaker 1:I don't know.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean it's still. It's like sexy. Yeah, I don't know if it's like the act of sex. Yeah, that's I think what's interesting is, is there an act of sex? You know what I mean?
Speaker 1:I mean I would say yes, but it just depends on how you define it like. For me it's more of like what do you feel like sexist, so I can get more clarity on like how you feel sexist. What I'm Like, for me, it's more of like what do you feel like sex is, so I can get more clarity on like how you feel sex is. What I'm already hearing is that, like sex is more of a journey. Sex is more of an experience.
Speaker 2:For you, it's not just, initially, just P-N-V-G, which I mean the first thing you said was is like literally penetration yeah, and I'm also learning that as I grow and blossom. Yeah, I don't like saying blossom, grow and I like blossom, expand my mind.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you know True, and also being inside of our relationship, like what we both desire when it comes to Right Sex.
Speaker 2:Right yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Are you just going to ask me, or am I asking you?
Speaker 1:two these questions you can ask me too. Yeah, I'm asking you.
Speaker 2:Well, do you feel comfortable about bringing up our sex?
Speaker 1:Yeah, of course, absolutely.
Speaker 2:Of course. Let's talk about it. What do you think sex is?
Speaker 1:Do you want my professional answer?
Speaker 2:What do you think sex is?
Speaker 1:Well, sex for me is like a connective, co-created experience for people to you know satiate and people wow, touche, cheers yeah satisfying, satiate our intimate desires. That's a lot of just. I know it's a lot, I know I I know, I know, but for me, sex, specifically for me, is that was a great definition you like that that? Is so good, huh, yeah. Sex, for me specifically, is like connection. It's deep intimacy, it's being with each other physically and emotionally, and like spiritually even it's when we get to like just fuck passion passionately, like that's what sex is for me, yeah like I want it to be an experience.
Speaker 2:It does feel very, it does feel spiritual in a sense. I mean, you're two souls, yeah, kind of combining yeah I want to be like interwoven with you right I want to feel like you're present.
Speaker 1:I remember in the beginning of our relationship, one of my things was like, like, be here with me, like be present with me. You know, it was like I wanted. There's this. I mean, sometimes I feel like a walking contradiction, because it's like I want to lose myself in you and also I like I want to find myself in you, so like I want all of it, you know.
Speaker 2:I want to lose myself but also find myself. I want to. I want to lose it and then find it again in your penis. It's like I watch. It's like a, it's like a maze. You want to. You want to know where the drop-off point is, but then you want the maze to like come down and then you have to find it. You don't talk about no, like a corn maze. You know, like you sex for me is not a corn maze, I know, know. I'm just saying.
Speaker 1:Maybe sex for you with me is like a corn maze.
Speaker 2:No, when you say you want to lose yourself and find yourself.
Speaker 1:Oh, oh, oh, yes, yes, I get it now. I get it now.
Speaker 2:I'm confused on how you want to lose yourself and find yourself at the same time.
Speaker 1:Exactly exactly.
Speaker 2:But a corn maze. Actually you want to like shed your A new you, absolutely. That's kind of scary, rah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, don't be scared I got you. But like that's what it is. It's like it's just deep intimacy, deep connection. I want it to be super pleasurable, I want it to be like slow caresses and like kisses and just like, really like I almost like want you to discover something new every time we fuck. Yeah, like every time we have sex, I want you to be like wow, I didn't know, like that was there. Wait, that sounds weird, but you know what I mean. Like I didn't know, like I don't want to do that.
Speaker 2:I don't want it to be like that. What?
Speaker 1:do you mean?
Speaker 2:Wow, that was there. I didn't know that was there.
Speaker 1:Not like that, but like maybe that was there. Like, trust me.
Speaker 2:I know there's nothing there. I also know that I've explored your body. There's not like a mark on you that I'm like whoa, I did not know that that's new. Yeah, did you know you have a massive birthmark? No, I've not. I've explored. There's nothing crazy.
Speaker 1:That's hilarious, but like yes, I know, you know what I mean. Like that was. They're like wow, like.
Speaker 2:I didn't know you would react this way to be kissing you at that in that area.
Speaker 1:Yeah, or you know yeah, for me, that's what sex is and it's like it's something that's like I'd like it to flow, but also it's okay, Like if it doesn't. I mean, is it nicer when it does Right, Is it like? Does it sometimes feel kind of like unsexy for like? Hey, should we, you wanna?
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:But like that's okay. You know, like I don't think it always necessarily has got to be like this, like I don't know this super like ethereal, like cosmic connection that has to happen between us. But I do like when we get into it, like I really do like kind of all my inhibitions go out the window and I'm just like with you.
Speaker 2:Right, why are you laughing? I just think it's funny because you know people might think that's what it has to be. Is like this super yeah, you know, like the all of the energy in the universe is combined into our two bodies and like we're now, we are one. You know it doesn't have to be that, like I just dude, it can be, it can be.
Speaker 1:People love that Like. There are times where it's like.
Speaker 2:we've had moments where, like no, it's, yeah, it feels that way. I get, yeah, it is definitely like I don't think it's that deep, but it does feel like amazing. Right, it is. You definitely feel connected, yeah, Like you are one.
Speaker 1:Yeah, there's some people who are like I want to find God in you, I know but that, and that's what I mean, though, but that's cool. It's like we not necessarily are, that's not necessarily our desire mutually. That's the cool thing. Yeah, like what necessarily our desire, mutually, that's the cool thing, like what, if one right, you were like I want that with you, babe, and I was like I don't think I can do that, like that would be kind of like something that would need to be talked about, right, right, yeah yeah but it's not that way like.
Speaker 1:I don't feel like right right um, at least not at this point. Could we change and grow short? Sure, and want that? Yeah, right, but not now. I'm okay right now.
Speaker 2:Because I don't want to say like I don't feel that way of like. I want a super deep connection and I just want to feel amazing. You know like spiritually, and you know my soul and physically. Yeah, and physically and my soul feels great that does happen. I just think that sometimes I feel like it can get taken to a whole other level of like.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that you're not available for which is okay.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but it's also like you haven't been that way. I just hear it from other people that they're like searching for that. I'm like, wow, absolutely, if you find that, that's great.
Speaker 1:Yeah, absolutely All right. So that's what sex is.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Okay, what? So? That's what sex is. Yeah, okay, what else about? Like what other?
Speaker 2:From what I'm hearing is like both of us want connection. Yeah, both of us desire, you know, finding something new.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Intimacy, being very you know with each other in the moment.
Speaker 1:Yeah, okay. So on a scale of one to five, how fulfilling is our current sex life for you in terms of frequency, satisfaction and intimacy? Be, honest now the camera's not there. I mean, it is there.
Speaker 2:It is there, I would say like a three, four.
Speaker 1:I knew it was going to be a three four, but I knew you were going to say three first. Why?
Speaker 2:But I a three, four.
Speaker 1:I knew it was going to be a three four, but I knew you were going to say three first. Why? But I knew that you were also going to add like a four to it.
Speaker 2:I don't know why I think that our good median it's like our sex is five for me, yeah, I would say, like frequency, probably if it's closer to a three in between, like three and a half, shouldn't say three, four three and a half if do you want to go lower no, that's true. Okay, yeah, I I just like, I think we so, one being like, not satisfied, five I'm definitely never a one. Okay, I don't even think I'm I'm. Never a two. Yeah, it's.
Speaker 1:It's always like you know, she was like mostly like um somewhat satisfied I'm satisfied with our sex.
Speaker 2:The problem is like do I want more consistency? Absolutely. Do. I think that with time that can, like you know, go away at some point in time. Not go away, but, like you know, can slow down or like there's stuff going on.
Speaker 1:Okay, can we pause for a second? Because I actually wasn't paying attention to anything you were saying, because my brain was going to the scale of one to five and what it meant, so I actually was not hearing anything. You were saying just that. Can we go over the scale first and then come back to what you're sure, okay, so wow, it's like zero satisfaction not satisfied. Five is absolutely yeah, one is not satisfied, five is satisfied. Um two is less satisfied.
Speaker 1:Okay, three is fairly satisfied okay four is mostly satisfied and five is satisfied oh, five, so we have. So, okay, maybe we should have started with that I know, that's why I was like oh sorry, I'm a four, five, okay.
Speaker 2:Yeah, jeez louise.
Speaker 1:No, that's okay I'm not fairly satisfied. It's okay if you were no, but I'm not though, so that our sex can be better.
Speaker 2:I understand that, but I'm that's not true, but it's okay if you were no, but I'm not, though, you need to know, so that our sex can be better. I understand that, but that's not true. But we've also talked about you know consistency, but it's also like working on my part, you know, working on your part. It's a partnership. It's not like just you know expecting, like hey, you know, tonight we're doing it, that doesn't happen.
Speaker 1:No. But sometimes well, sometimes for me, like, if I'm like baby, I want to have sex, you're like okay, let's go. But sometimes when you come to me and you're like I'm going to fuck you tonight, I'm like okay.
Speaker 2:But you're yeah, but it doesn't happen, yeah. Yeah, I would say like the consistency can change. That varies with time. There might be some times where it's like it is definitely enough, it is perfect yeah. Then there's some times when it's like not enough, yeah, you know, I think that ebbs and flows though that's just in a relationship yeah, especially a 10-year marriage it's definitely going to ebb and flow, yeah.
Speaker 1:And something that you just brought up that made me think of something in the book that I'm reading called Come Together by Emily Nagowski. She says that pleasure.
Speaker 2:Is it C-U-M? Come Together.
Speaker 1:No, just Come Together, c-o-m-e that was a missed opportunity. Okay, maybe for sale purposes, you can take it up with Emily, you can write her a letter Well maybe for sale purposes it should be C-O-M-E.
Speaker 2:That, yeah, never mind, just kidding, sorry, it should be.
Speaker 1:Yeah, don't mind him. Don't mind him. No, I get it though.
Speaker 2:So come together yeah come together.
Speaker 1:She says that pleasure is sensation.
Speaker 2:in context Pleasure is sensation in context.
Speaker 1:Basically meaning, like when you said sometimes that changes, sometimes the way that you like desire to have sex or sometimes some things work and then sometimes those same things don't work Right, because it just depends, like the things that I might find pleasurable, the thing that I might find desirable which is another thing that I'm trying to not intertwine which is pleasure and desire, because when you get down to the root of that, those are actually two different things, but we like to interchangeably use them for the same thing, because desire is not always a positive thing. Pleasure is always positive. So, like when we talk about like us desiring each other sexually, sometimes it's not necessarily that the thing that you desire I actually find pleasurable, and vice versa. So when you come to me and you're like I want to do this thing, like let's just say, you come to me and you're like babe, I want to fuck tonight and I'm like no, but then maybe another day you might come to me and be like I'm going to fuck tonight and I'll be like okay, yeah, let's go.
Speaker 1:It could just be, depending on the context of the situation that you're bringing up to me. You could say the exact same thing for me, but maybe one day I'm dealing with a lot more. Maybe one day I'm just not truly in the mood, maybe I don't feel good in my body, maybe I'm on my period.
Speaker 2:Maybe whatever we just got to an argument, whatever so it's like sometimes that is frustrating because it's like you's why I think with a.
Speaker 2:It's even hard for me to say a four or five, because, yeah, I, I just feel like, yes, I want sex all the time, but consistency is, or like frequency. Frequency is is not like I'm not dissatisfied with it at all, it's just I always want more, right, you know, but it's. It's not like I'm not dissatisfied with it at all, it's just I always want more, right, you know, but it's. It's also like is it going to change? Like you just said, like are there going to be moments where it's just like I'm not, I'm just not feeling it right now, or there's a lot of stuff going on that like I'm in my head? Yeah, that happens all the time. Right, it's not just you, it's with me too. Like, sometimes I'm just like I am absolutely tired, I'm in my head. I got a lot of stuff going on this week. Yeah, true, so overall, our sex life is a five.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Do I want more? Does it knock it down to a four? No, you know Four and a half.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean the half, that's still. We can improve, Absolutely we can improve.
Speaker 2:But yes, I would say I'm absolutely satisfied with their sex. Yeah, I always want more. Yeah, you know. Okay, it's like candy, I just want more.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's just like. How can I get even more of?
Speaker 2:it yeah, okay.
Speaker 1:Yeah, okay.
Speaker 2:Okay, what would you rate us? What would you rate our sex life?
Speaker 1:So I'm going to do, as terms of frequency, satisfaction and then intimacy, I'm going to give them each their individuals. Oh well, that's what I was going to ask you if I could do that. Then why didn't you just do that?
Speaker 2:Well, let me do it, my turn, okay, my turn. You do it, okay, okay.
Speaker 1:Frequency, frequency, wise, I'm probably a four see I'm probably four with the same wavelength mostly satisfied with the frequency of it, but that really has nothing to so the frequency again. My answers are like I'm always gonna see like how can I improve on the way? Or like how can I have responsibility for, like how I'm showing up in our sex, right, and also I'm gonna tell you where I feel like I'd like you to show up more and differently right okay.
Speaker 1:So frequency, I would say four. That is really for me like I would actually desire sex more but like and also it's also dependent on, like my satisfaction and my intimacy within that, like my ratings for those. So like I'm pretty cool with it, but I feel like I could, we could have more sex. We could have more sex for sure, beautiful, okay, we might not be answering it like that in the next ones, okay. So satisfaction, I would say I'm probably at like a three.
Speaker 2:That's sad. Yeah, that's not good.
Speaker 1:I'm fairly satisfied with satisfaction Wow.
Speaker 2:With the satisfaction of our sex.
Speaker 1:Yeah, oh yeah, how fulfilling. So yeah, I would say I'm probably like fairly fulfilled with our satisfaction, like a three Okay.
Speaker 2:So fulfilled.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so sorry. The question is on a scale of one to five. How fulfilling is our current sex life in these three categories Frequency, satisfaction and intimacy?
Speaker 2:Okay, so satisfaction, you're a three. Yeah, I'm about a three, okay.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because I feel like that's rude.
Speaker 2:I'm going to go back and change my answers.
Speaker 1:No, no, okay, I mean, if you want to, we can talk about it, right? So that's why I say don't fluff with me, like be, honest. Um, I would say three because I would enjoy going back to your answer about how you were. Like this is what sex is for me. I want more of that more of what you said sex is for you. So you were like sex is intimacy, it's hugging, it's kissing, it's it's being close.
Speaker 1:It's laying naked together like those are the things that I want more of right so that would actually and like that for me would make it more satisfying is we had more moments of the build-up, if we had more moments of that closeness right not saying there's none.
Speaker 2:So is it a four or a three Three.
Speaker 1:Three and a half, three and a quarter.
Speaker 2:Okay, I'll take the quarter.
Speaker 1:Change. So three and a quarter. Okay, Heads up quarter, sorry, okay, anyways, three and a quarter, you want more, yes, more of all of that stuff, right, which I think is really cool, that, like it's asked in that order too, because then it's like you can refer back to that, like I can refer back to those things Like you.
Speaker 1:This is what you said sex is for you, this is what. If I don't feel like I'm receiving that from you and that's what it is for you, let's figure that shit out. Yeah, like, I want that, right, okay, so more of that um, and intimacy, intimacy. I'm actually a 4.5 4.55 on our intimacy.
Speaker 2:Okay, like so you are rating these like yeah these are like yeah, you're really deep in you're. You know you're rating these yeah, okay, because do should these be fives across the board? Absolutely, but are they always going to be fives across? The board I don't want to cut you off, go ahead no, but I hear what you're saying 4.55.
Speaker 1:Yeah, okay was that your ego, talking like you? Wanted to go off, or were you just like saying no, I'm gonna get back to that.
Speaker 2:Okay, go ahead thank you.
Speaker 1:So intimacy for you and I, just intimacy and our sex in general. I feel like it's a 4.55 and I feel like it could be more. So, going back to like my satisfaction of it, the reason it's a three and a quarter is because I would desire more of those things and maybe more time on those things and more frequency of those things. Also, maybe without having it come to just penetration, like I want to be able to experience moments of like deep inner intertwining in sex with you without fucking. Yeah.
Speaker 2:Why do you keep having to use yeah, what, just cursing having sex?
Speaker 1:Does it? What does it feel like when I say fuck?
Speaker 2:No, it feels fine, just hard.
Speaker 1:No, it's fine, I think it's fine.
Speaker 2:Does it feel like I just don't want to get stricken, you know, or having to beep it?
Speaker 1:Bleep yeah. Why are we going to bleep it? I don't know. We'll censor it. It's okay if it's too much.
Speaker 2:I think it's fine Are you sure I don't mind.
Speaker 1:Do you have a visceral reaction to it?
Speaker 2:No, I think it's fine Fuck.
Speaker 1:God.
Speaker 2:Jeez, fuck, okay, go ahead.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I hear you, you know like that would probably make it a five, because I do feel like we have intimacy, because intimacy is so many things Like we talk and we cuddle and we have our fun, like things between the two of us that like are just ours, and like anytime I ask you to rub my feet. You, you will, or like you know I do it all the time when I ask you to brush my hair, you do it like.
Speaker 1:Those are things that, for me, turn me on. Yeah, I would like more of them, okay. Yeah, but let me go back to what I was going to say oh yeah, tell me what you were going to say, please do.
Speaker 2:Real quick. Yeah, I was making a comment on they should be across the board. That's what I think everyone thinks right Right Now I'm assuming that, but I would, I do, I would do, I would want it to be, I would want it to be across the board. Do I think that a relationship like getting to that point, like trying to making that a goal, is that great? Absolutely do. Is it going to be? Is it an unachievable goal? I don't think so. No, but is it always going to be that? You know what I mean? Right, every day in and day out? Is it always going to be five five, five? Yeah, probably not. No, is. Are there days that you're gonna have like three five, three or you know whatever. Like it's gonna fluctuate. I just don't think it's like it can always always be five five, five. Can you strive for that? Can you? Can you reach that? Is it it achievable? Absolutely, but is it always going to be there? No, yeah.
Speaker 2:I just think it's one of those things where I don't think any couple should beat themselves up by like going across that board and being like you know, I got the answer to, to to Well, okay, but there's something to work on.
Speaker 1:What a good angel number yeah.
Speaker 2:I just think it's like one of those things you know. So I I think it's like is it one of those things that's like way up here, is it?
Speaker 1:I'm never, never gonna get there, yeah you can get there, but I don't think it's satisfied and fulfilled.
Speaker 2:Right, but I don't think it's always that thing of like trying. If you're like killing yourselves trying to get there, then that's, that's not right. It should be easy to get there. Yeah, but that's not right. It should be easy to get there.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:But it's not always easy to get there. No, it's not. But I mean, staying there should be like a, and that's the thing is like talking about it is what makes it go up. Yeah, I think.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:If you talk about it.
Speaker 1:You talk about sex, you have better sex.
Speaker 2:Right Bam.
Speaker 1:Yeah, anyways, that's what I was. Communication is lubrication. Thanks, emily Morris.
Speaker 2:Boom t-shirt. Oh, someone else's.
Speaker 1:That's somebody else's, I just stole that, come on. No, I always got to give credit where credit's due. That was good. I like you giving credit.
Speaker 2:I'm just saying like that should be on a t-shirt.
Speaker 1:Right, all right With a lube bottle, sorry.
Speaker 2:Just that on a t-shirt. It's just the words.
Speaker 1:I don't think it needs a graphic.
Speaker 2:Okay, anyways, next question. That's all I wanted to say.
Speaker 1:No, but that's a good point to bring up because also, like, there are so many people that I have talked to who are like everything is so great, but the sex is shit, right, right.
Speaker 2:Or like.
Speaker 1:Everything else is fucking shit, but the sex is amazing, right. Or like everything else is fucking shit, but the sex is amazing, amazing, right. So it's like it can be detrimental and it can be the thing that actually, like, holds it together right, I'm not saying that's, that's.
Speaker 2:I added that that last part. I don't know if you've heard that.
Speaker 1:Absolutely, I absolutely have and like I think it's a universal language. Like sex is a universal language, right, and regardless of desire, scale or whatever. But like it is something that most people, and most people in romantic relationship, deal with Like I can't they deal with it, so to say, like it's not something that. Like. Going back to what you were saying, yes, striving for the fives across the board is a beautiful marker to hit. Will it always consistently be that way, day to day? No, but overarching, you'd wanna be pretty satisfied and fulfilled in all of these areas, right, because also a healthy sex life breeds a happy like connection yeah it really does.
Speaker 1:Yeah, sex is a is a major factor because it's intimacy you can tell it's you can. You can tell when people are sorely under fucked, like absolutely so true, though, and you can tell when people are well fucked, like it's true, like there's a glow about people, yeah.
Speaker 2:Or their relationship is like in a really good spot yeah, unless they fake it. But I feel like you can really tell though Energy doesn't lie. Yeah, like you can really tell, it's like really hard to fake it for a long period of time.
Speaker 1:Yeah, get for a long period of time. Yeah, what is it like the three month rule or some shit?
Speaker 2:no, no, no, I meant like even out, and about like if you're at a bar.
Speaker 1:It's really hard to fake that and what I always say is, like how you communicate outside of the bedroom is a surefire way to know how you communicate inside of the bedroom, because bedroom problems are typically not just bedroom problems. Right, how can you expect to be like, if you have a difficult time talking about anything outside of the bedroom, outside outside of an intimate situation, you think that you're actually going to have the capacity and bandwidth to talk about something as important as your sexual landscape inside the bedroom?
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:No, it's more vulnerable.
Speaker 2:Yeah Like. What's harder to talk about, though, is Bills or sex.
Speaker 2:No sex or children. You know what I mean. Like that, exactly no sex or children. You know what I mean. Like that, exactly. That whole like you felt just now is like I feel like a lot of couples will talk about like children. They'll have that conversation right off the bat, yeah, but it's like talking about their own sex is difficult, yeah, whereas, like you're talking about raising a child together and growing a family and having a responsibility and doing all this stuff, but it's like it's harder for you to talk about the act that you have to do to make that child.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Anyways.
Speaker 1:If that's the route that they go about making the child.
Speaker 2:Yes, that's very true. Coming from an adopted person too yeah love it, dang it, but yeah, no, it's okay, it's all good, but it's still like that's. You know, I and that's interesting to me because it's still like adoption.
Speaker 2:All this stuff is still, I feel like, sometimes an easier conversation, even though that's really difficult, or like talking about, because maybe it's like talking about fertility, like that's still sometimes an easier conversation than talking about your own sex do you want to know why I feel like that is, though I feel like those types of conversations are a little bit easier because they're outside of yourself.
Speaker 1:When you talk about sex with somebody it immediately hits them in a very egoic space.
Speaker 2:Right, You're attacking me and my availability to please you, I know I feel it. I got a 3.25. I'm just kidding. A quarter sounds better Three and a quarter A quarter does sound better, but no, yeah, everybody takes it, or people take it yeah as an ego thing yeah, absolutely it.
Speaker 1:or people take it yeah as an ego thing yeah, absolutely. Our like sexual confidence, like is so tied into so many things and like how you show up in the world, how you dress, how you interact with people, how you flirt, how you command a room, how you walk out in public, like your sexual energy, I feel like drives so much of who you are as a person.
Speaker 2:A person. A person Drives you as a person.
Speaker 1:It drives you as a person. So when somebody attacks that essence, it's harder. Yep, anyways, okay.
Speaker 2:How often does it feel good for you to have sex with me? How often does it feel good for? Yeah, all the time. Often, yeah, all the time. That's more than often.
Speaker 1:So we should be having sex right now. Well see, All the time is a blanket statement. How often does it feel good for?
Speaker 2:you to have sex with me, okay, between the hours of. You know, don't be facetious, I don't All the time. I don't know how else to say like. I don't know how else to elaborate that.
Speaker 1:Would you like to have it a couple times a day?
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:A couple times a week, once a month.
Speaker 2:Well more.
Speaker 1:Well, so that's what I'm saying Would you like to have it every day?
Speaker 2:Every day would be great.
Speaker 1:Morning, noon and night. Yeah, Okay, so three times a day.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Wow, seven days a week.
Speaker 2:Seven days a week.
Speaker 1:How.
Speaker 2:Yep Three times a day 30 to 31 days a month. 30 to 31 days a month yeah, 365. For 60 seconds, for 90 years. You want to keep going? Should we go down to the seconds? Okay, that's a lot, it is a lot.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:Do I think that's like. Is that actual, like um, do some people want? Do I think it's feasible? No, why?
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, because of me. No, I don't think it's Because I don't desire it.
Speaker 2:But I still don't think that's feasible. Three times a day, not seven days a week, of course. 30 to 31 times a month. It's every day of the month, yeah, yeah, every day of the month, all year all year round, do I? Think that that is feasible and I'm in a very like normal relationship. You should have just said all the time, it would have been easier yeah, okay, goodness gracious, goodness gracious, yay. Look at me, look at me. Do I think that's feasible? No, no.
Speaker 1:Yeah, all right, I mean people do, though Good for them, right? If they do that, are they a porn star, I mean if they, no, no, but if they, they maybe just have like a higher.
Speaker 2:Three times a day, all the time Maybe.
Speaker 1:For years. I mean, do people do that? Sure, but that's not what you want.
Speaker 2:I mean, that is what I want.
Speaker 1:But is it like? Do I think it's?
Speaker 2:feasible? No For you and I no. That's the thing.
Speaker 1:I wouldn't want it like that. You ask me what I want.
Speaker 2:That would be amazing. Yeah, do I think it's. Do it once a day, seven days a week.
Speaker 1:Yes, yeah, okay. So your desire is to have more frequent sex.
Speaker 2:Right, but do I think that's feasible Sometimes no, yeah, but I'm talking about for you.
Speaker 1:I genuinely want to know.
Speaker 2:I think you're going to blow that For you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, wow nice, do you see it? No, I don't Let me see.
Speaker 2:Behind the cave?
Speaker 1:no, I don't know so for you. How often would you want to have sex with me? Sure, just answer it without thinking about all these other things. How often do you want to have sex with me?
Speaker 2:once a day, every single day, once a day okay cool.
Speaker 1:So for me to have sex with you, I would probably say like three, four times a week, yeah, okay, that feels good for me that makes sense yeah, yeah, right, because I'm definitely the quality over and I'm not saying that you're the quantity over quality. I feel as though the everyday could feel like that's why I say, in reality, it's like, I like that. Yeah, the three or four times a week.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:That's good, or are you agreeing for going on that yeah?
Speaker 2:Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 1:Can we start with the three?
Speaker 2:We're going up. Sure, we start with the three. Sure, yeah, absolutely go team, we can okay do. Yeah, do I think that I do? I like that answer?
Speaker 1:absolutely do I think it's feasible, absolutely yeah. What if I was like twice a week a little?
Speaker 2:rough. It's still better than like once a week. Still better than once a month that's true, you know, yeah, or once every two weeks.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's true, which is kind of what we've been averaging.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we need to step it up, you said that's horrible. I don't enjoy that.
Speaker 1:I don't particularly I actually. You know what I'm not going to say.
Speaker 2:I don't enjoy it, but I'm also not going to say's going on, yeah, physically, mentally, all sorts of stuff.
Speaker 1:Yeah, absolutely, and sometimes I just don't desire it.
Speaker 2:Sometimes I don't desire it yeah. Sometimes I'm like I just want to go to bed, yeah.
Speaker 1:That's true, you know. And then I'm like, okay, we gotta have sex.
Speaker 2:And you're like, oh, I might not get it again. It's one of those things I feel like with dudes.
Speaker 1:They're like yep okay, so actually picking off this question, then I was watching a thing with shan budram, who's another like sexuality educator. Yeah, she's great, absolutely great. Her answer to a really like big question is how often should couples be having sex? Right, and her answer that she gave I thought was really really profound.
Speaker 2:What was her?
Speaker 1:answer. The answer is couples should be having sex the amount of time the partner who wants it least so like. For example, if I'm like I want it twice, twice a week, that's how many times we should be having sex that makes sense, right, but I also feel like sometimes, if you do that, your other partner might want it more right. Oh, the one who wants it less. Yeah, I'd actually want it more, right well?
Speaker 2:no, they like. Over time they might want it more. It's like, if you agree on like, okay, I we're gonna go off of like what you want the three times. Let's say it's three times a week. On like, okay, we're going to go off of like what you want the three times. Let's say it's three times a week. It could grow to five times a week. It could grow to, you know, every day of the week. Right, multiple times a day. But I'm saying like if you start off with that, it can change.
Speaker 1:Yeah, why do you think it is Like? Why would you say you agree with that?
Speaker 2:I just think it's more feasible, I think it makes more sense, I think it's. I feel like sometimes there can be put pressure on of doing, you know, like it's. I just don't think it's agreeable to do it Like if somebody else like, for instance, our example, three to four times, seven times, do I even personally think it's feasible? No, three to four times, that sounds yeah, that's reasonable. I like that too.
Speaker 1:So it's feasibility If somebody, if you said once a month it would make me sad, but it's still like, okay, that's what we're going off of. So you think it's more fair to go off the person, or you would agree that it's fair to go off of the person who wants, at least if you're in a dynamic of sexual relationship.
Speaker 2:I think it can make sense, but I do think that you can need to have that conversation Right. I don't think even people have that conversation yeah.
Speaker 1:And when they do have that conversation, they fight over it, because it's a hard conversation to have. Right, we fight over it.
Speaker 2:I understand that, but it's like you could have an easier conversation without fighting over it.
Speaker 1:What makes the conversation easy?
Speaker 2:Stop looking at it inwards. Everything that someone says, if you're just going to keep going my ego, my this, inwards, inwards, inwards, instead of looking at it as a group dynamic and it's a me, and you thing, yeah, or it has nothing to do with like me personally. You know what I mean. Yeah, it's not an ego thing, it's just like how you feel.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and like then it makes it an easier conversation.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you're not so focused on yourself and what you want only or how it makes you feel Mm-hmm, like it, you're not attacking me, mm-hmm. Some people think like if you say something, it's like I'm attacking you Right does has nothing to do with that. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Mm-hmm, okay, I hear that.
Speaker 2:I think it can make it so much better if you step outside of yourself for the conversation and think of it as this is a group thing, not a personal thing. This is not personalized.
Speaker 1:We're in this act together, so we should figure it out together. Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:Even though I know, when we even have conversations about it, I still think that way. Sure, me too, but it's hard not to. But if you can try to really sit there and breathe and say I need a second because I'm internalizing this, yeah, I'm on board yeah, let me just. This is how I'm feeling.
Speaker 2:Hold on, okay yeah it's so hard to do that I can't. I'm not gonna say like that's so easy to do and it's like one of those things like I still work on that I have. I'm constantly doing that. We're trying to work on that and we still will exactly, yeah, I always will do that, but that's human and, in all honesty, I feel like that's being human yeah I don't think that's being a male, a female. I don't.
Speaker 1:It's not a specific gender right, because there is this ideology that goes I'm just a guy, right like it's just a girl a girl, I'm a woman. This is what I need.
Speaker 2:type of thing right. No, that's being human, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:I would agree, because these feelings are so universal.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:And I think another thing to add to like me agreeing with what she said about having sex the amount of time that the least person who least wants it start there. Because when you and I originally had our conversation, like one of our bigger blowouts around our sex life, it was that I desire the quantity and the quality over the quantity, like it's not the frequency that's going to make me want more sex, it's the quality of the sex that we're having that's gonna make me want more, because I'm building that, that connection to my pleasure Every time we have sex, when it's great, when it feels connected, when it feels all the things that you and I both said that we wanted in our sex. Every time we have sex, even if it's once a week, even if it's, you know, three times a month, it's like if every single one of those times are good and I'm connecting sex to that pleasureful feeling, I'm going to be like hell. Yeah, I want this one.
Speaker 1:So I like sex to that pleasureful feeling. I'm gonna be like hell yeah, I. Want this one right. So I like what you said because it does make sense.
Speaker 2:It's like, yeah, it's like building on, like the foundation of having like a pleasured centered yeah experience right and going off of that, like you just saying, that is making me feel like you, you know, I know we have good, so like that's. The other thing too is if, for instance, in this case, if, let's say, a guy is hearing this from his wife, you can say and it's okay to say, I hear you, but I know, I feel like I know we have good sex, and if they, that's perfect. If they disagree, then y'all.
Speaker 2:There's conversation maybe needs to go deeper, of course, but it's like I know for a fact we have good sex. Is it? Is it all the time? Yeah, no, yeah. But is there moments where it's just like I'm just thinking, like I'm internalizing things or you're internalizing things, but I'm just that right there. That moment, in general, is me I was already internalizing it, thinking like, oh, so she's saying I can see it, you know like rotating. Oh, she's saying we never have good sex. No, it's not what she's saying. Yeah, it's not what she's saying at all, it's just what we know we have good sex. She just wants to have more good sex. Yes, exactly, great sex. Yeah, perfect, yeah, and that's it they're solved.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you know it's taking that moment to go. I'm feeling this way. Right, give me a second.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:Like telling yourself, like sitting with that feeling, like it's not about me.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:You know? And if it is, let me ask that Let me not just onboard it and assume in my head that she's not a part of and then throw it out at her and be like ah, yeah, yeah, or get frustrated and walk away Exactly.
Speaker 2:Or get frustrated and shut down, walk away or, you know, irritate her, whatever yeah.
Speaker 1:Which we've done all of those things.
Speaker 2:Right, but we try to definitely not do that now.
Speaker 1:No, we don't do it anymore, but it's because of this exactly because, absolutely absolutely okay, let me see yep, um.
Speaker 1:So are there any ways that I can honor our intimacy without having sex? Are there any ways that you honor. Intimacy for me without us having sex is when, like I'm just, I want to just sit in your lap and just like be held yeah you accept it and you let me sit in your lap and you just hold me yeah and you don't get frustrated unless I like maybe you're watching something super important. I just come on you like I'm smothering your face yeah, just like babe, come on yeah like other than that you let me.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you, you answer my bid for affection yeah there's not a moment truly.
Speaker 1:I mean, I could maybe count on one hand the time that you've truly disregarded any of my bids for affection, and I think that's so important. It's like it could be something as small, as like like I'm thirsty, you want a drink and you go get a drink, or like I just come up to you and you can tell that like my energy is low and you just let me get in your lap and hold me. You don't even have to ask me a question, you don't even have to know what's going on. Sometimes you ask, but that's okay, like that's honoring the intimacy that's going like I am saying I'm seeing that you need something. I may not know what it is, but like I'm here and I'm accepting of it.
Speaker 1:Or it's like babe, will you rub my feet right now? Yeah, okay, Like you know, it's like even if there is a little bit of like pushback, and rarely again. Rarely there is like well, initially I remember in the like the beginning of our relationship, there was a lot more pushback on things like that, like they're rubbing my feet or whatever, but very rarely though, like it was just more like this makes me feel good and you want to make me feel good yeah even if it necessarily doesn't satisfy your genitalia right like, even if it's just like well, I'm making her feel good, is she gonna?
Speaker 1:what's she gonna do for me like that?
Speaker 1:tip or tat type of thing it was just like like how often can I make her feel good? And that makes me feel good is to make her feel good. So it's like you honor our intimacy in those ways where it's just like you can tell that maybe, like I'm in my office and I'm busy and I'm doing my work, you'll like maybe come in there and be like what are go okay, and you'll like figure it out like those to me are into. Like cooking together is intimate, just being together is intimate. My whole thing with, like of like my red, yellow, green phone thing.
Speaker 1:Like you honor those things, like our time together, with how we interact, being on our phones, because that's a big one right for a lot of relationships and like talking to me when I'm just like babe, I'm out, can I talk to you about some stuff and you'll just sit and you'll just talking to me. When I'm just like babe, can I talk to you about some stuff and you'll just sit and you'll just listen to me talk. You know you'll just be a soundboard or you'll be a safe space for me to go. Like all of those things to me are honoring of our intimacy without even having to touch. And if it's touch it's not even a sexual touch. It's just connection, it's just building on our closeness, and that those are things that actually make me horny.
Speaker 1:Those are things that actually make me want to be more physically connected with you yeah um, cuddling me until you get hot, like those are things that are really nice yeah, yeah, yeah, I hear that I.
Speaker 2:I think it's the same. I think the moments for me sometimes are when I ask you what's going on and you, I feel like sometimes I get pushback, I'm like you don't really want to talk to me. Yeah, and then you do and that's to me it is being intimate. You know that's intimacy is is being vulnerable, is being like. I know he knows I feel this way, so we're going to talk about it. Something is bothering me, so I got to you know the make-out sessions that we have.
Speaker 1:Oh, I forgot about those. Those are amazing.
Speaker 2:The hugging, the holding Me, caressing you when you like, you know, even though I know you're hot in the bathroom, but you don't get so mad at me no more. You just calmly tell me to go away, or you take it and then you go. Or what I do love is when you turn around, you give me a kiss and then we move on. You know, like, okay, goodbye, I gave you that thing, goodbye, here's your treat, goodbye, I love it. Like that to me is I love those. I love those moments. Yeah, those are great.
Speaker 1:I agree with everything you said too, but you know, for me it's those moments, yeah, absolutely are there any other ways that I can honor our intimacy without having sex other than those ones? I don't think so, not that I can think of like right off the, right off the bat, I mean and sometimes in those situations like oh, I know I like massages, so I want to try to give you them, but you don't really enjoy them, so it's also being having a foot massage is okay, but it's also like I'm, you know, yeah it doesn't really.
Speaker 1:It's not something that you prefer and I think that's another thing too is people try to love their person in the way that they like to be loved Right and then they completely disregard the way that they like to be loved, right, but I ask you to scratch my back and you do that all the time.
Speaker 2:Or like scratch my head or rub my head. Yeah those are great moments. I love those moments.
Speaker 1:What can I do? I'll reframe this one. What can I do if you're deeply desiring to have sex, to have like actual penetrative sex with me, and I don't want to? How can I honor our intimacy then? I don't know Hand job, blow job.
Speaker 2:Yeah yeah, mark them down. Yep, yep, yeah yeah absolutely. But I know, sometimes it's just like I don't want to do anything right now what do you? Do in that situation?
Speaker 1:you know, yeah, what do you do? What do I do? How do I honor that? I don't know if it, if you're like, I really just desire that like. Is it giving you the space to go and self-pleasure, is it, you know? Is it like?
Speaker 2:do I want to, though you know what I mean yeah I think that's the thing too is like, is it sometimes? Just leaving you alone to like, be with the feeling and let it dissipate like what is it I don't know, that's how I feel sometimes now, but it's also like I think that if I want it, if I wanted to have sex and you don't, it's also like what do you do in that situation?
Speaker 1:You know, yeah, what do I do? I?
Speaker 2:don't know, you know.
Speaker 1:We've sat inside of that. What do I do? Nothing. We don't do anything.
Speaker 2:We might kiss or whatever, and then we just go night-night, you know. But it's also like I don't think being dismissed like just go pleasure yourself is not. I don't like that. Okay, I don't necessarily enjoy that.
Speaker 1:Because that's an interesting language that you used too. You said being dismissed. So then, from my perspective, it's like I'm thinking, I'm looking at it like if he really desires sex, is it sex with me or is it the feeling of orgasm?
Speaker 2:It is obviously with you.
Speaker 1:Okay, so it's okay.
Speaker 2:It's a connection thing. Yeah, I don't think it's with me.
Speaker 1:Yeah because you know, because, like there's no fear, to like, go and rub one out if absolutely, but that's why it feels dismissive of like just go and, yeah, you know, be gone yeah, because it's not about that. It's about wanting to be intimate with me specifically exactly, absolutely yeah, and sometimes it's interesting to hear you say that, because sometimes I take it as he just wants to get you, just want to get your dick wet, that's literally what I think Right, right yeah.
Speaker 1:And that's not fair of me to say, to think that, Because then I also then create the story of like he just wants me for my body.
Speaker 2:Right, but are there?
Speaker 1:moments that I do just want to, you know, get off. Yeah, absolutely yeah, but, and you want me to be yeah, yeah there yeah yeah, wow, I want you to be the one to do it, yeah it's kind of hot, though, to hear you say that, yeah, like I had a moment of being like I don't like that and then another moment of being like that's kind of hot.
Speaker 2:But yes, yeah, I want you to do it.
Speaker 1:Yeah. Are there ways for me with you, come again. Sorry, I'm still caught up in the you just wanting to use me. Then I was like, wow, no, are there ways? A little hot babe A little sexy.
Speaker 2:Are there ways for me to do that with you? To honor, yeah, to honor you, like, if I'm not in the mood.
Speaker 1:I don't know if we've actually ever, truly experienced that you and I have not experienced that Probably will never experience that I have experienced deeply desiring sex and not being given it, and that, to me, was probably it was one of the most frustrating feelings I've ever had. To desire that so badly and to not get it. It's a really hard feeling. So I have a lot of empathy.
Speaker 2:Should I try that with you and just not give it to you?
Speaker 1:No, because that's I mean we could try it, but, like, as long as it's not malicious, as long as you're not like, meh, fuck you, but long as it's not malicious, as long as you're not like fuck you, but like if it's one of those things where we want to try like that, I'm absolutely down to do it.
Speaker 1:No, no. But like it was the most frustrating feeling and for me to dissipate it I just had to get out of the space, you know with me, like I have to just get out of the energy of it, so I would just go to another room.
Speaker 2:Sometimes that helps though it does, yeah.
Speaker 1:And then I come back and I realize like or I go literally sometimes what I'll do is, if I really desire sex and I feel like I desire it with you, but like we don't have again that's very rare I'll go get myself off and then, come back and be like oh, maybe I really just needed my nut, like it wasn't just about right now.
Speaker 1:You know the connection now, if it's like I get my nut and I still desire the connection and I'm not getting it, that would be a different story, but we haven't experienced that. You know, like I feel very fortunate for you to be available for me sexually. Yeah, even if you just want to use me for my body, I don't just want to use you for it sometimes. Why do I find that hot? I don't know.
Speaker 2:I should talk to somebody. I'm just kidding. You should talk to yourself, that's your mirror work.
Speaker 1:Nice, nice, okay. And then, what would you like more of from me when it comes to sex, what do you want more?
Speaker 2:of Sex, nice, I don't know, yeah, I don't really know if I want anything more okay, nothing about the physical act itself.
Speaker 1:I don't think so okay and you give me a lot yeah maybe more build up, but I don't think that's on you well, if it were, if there was something that you could ask for from me, what would it be out like? Is if it's frequency okay, like I'm not, I don't want to, it's, I'm just offering these because sometimes I know it's like hard to come up with them, but like yeah I don't know, though I don't think there is anything that you would like more of, yeah, except for of it I think I, yeah, but I think there I would maybe more of like us.
Speaker 2:It would be cool to like do more of like like trip based. That sounds so weird, but like you know, like making a date date of it, you know, like a date yeah you know where it's like like maybe we book a hotel room.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, yeah nice, you know stuff like that.
Speaker 2:Okay, that's still not on you yeah, mile high club I don't, yeah, I still don't know about that one okay, I understand I just feel like what's it called when it's on a train and not a plane?
Speaker 1:not the mile my long club.
Speaker 2:I don't know, is it? I don't know, is it I don't know, babe, I have no idea. All right, I don't even know what I was going to say. Oh, it's not even about, it's not like from you. You know what I mean. I just wish that on both of us that we would do. I can't think of anything from you specifically.
Speaker 1:Initiative Initiation.
Speaker 2:Initiation from you, specifically initiative, initiation, initiation. That's a good one, absolutely yeah, which you do. Maybe I want one more, though okay, like you saying three to four times a week, yeah, I won't. If that's the case, I want more initiative, then okay, yeah, because I don't think I hear that how would you like?
Speaker 1:okay, so how would you like me to initiate, or do you not want to even think about how I initiate you?
Speaker 2:just want me to initiate, I just want you to yeah okay, I mean, if you, I would write for you. I would write. I would like for you to tell me yeah, you know. I would like for you to say like hey, I'm horny, or hey, I'm I'm you know?
Speaker 1:or just initiate yeah, or what about the times when, like, I am like horny throughout the day and I make a statement and then later at night we don't have sex?
Speaker 2:I don't like that. Okay, I definitely don't like that.
Speaker 1:So I'm going to say it.
Speaker 2:Or if you just say like oh, tonight yeah, and then nothing happens. I don't like that. Yeah, sometimes I feel like it will be said and we're both like yeah we're both like yeah, and then we, and then we're both out, you know. So it's like I get that, but then it's just certain circumstances where it's like, it's like a build-up, and I get excited and then it doesn't yeah, that's not cool. Okay, hey, not cool man yeah, I'm sorry, I'm sorry yeah I get it and stuff happens, stuff.
Speaker 2:It's like absolutely, if stuff happens, but it's like if nothing else happens, it's like, yeah, it's not like you know, it's like this happened, this happened. And it's like if nothing else happens, it's like, yeah, it's not like you know, it's like this happened, this happened, and it's like crazy. And then it's like, well, you, know, yeah, okay, okay yeah anything else? I don't think so okay what about for you?
Speaker 1:More of with sex. Specifically, I would say more like body buildup.
Speaker 2:Body buildup. Mm-hmm, like, like body buildup. No body buildup. Yeah, I got it. I'm sorry. Wow, I just got to make a joke. I know Body buildup.
Speaker 1:Body buildup, more like massages and caresses and touches and like full body kisses oh you know how more coffee. More like full body kisses and like definitely more like pussy play before you actually like penetrate down, whether it's with your fingers or whether it's with your penis, like or what? My fingers or my penis, yeah, oh yeah, yeah, before you penetrate my mouth yeah, definitely more head, but I know, but you know what typically it's, but it's not. It's really typically not like you, like you're not the one that's like.
Speaker 2:I don't want to do it unless that was funny anyways, then I just dabbed you up for that go ahead, go ahead.
Speaker 1:I know threw me way off, but I was like okay, um, but like more body build-up, yeah, like I'd like to, for you to like literally like I almost want, like my vagina to be like the last thing that you get to not the first. Right, More nipple stuff. You know I'm loving some nipple play.
Speaker 2:All of these are great. More nipple things? I don't, yeah.
Speaker 1:And I think even like, but just longer, more drawn out not so quick to get to the mm. Yeah, you know I could be. I could be a little pillow apprentice. I would love in getting spools, you know.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Um so just you know, I don't think there's a can. You can be, you are, I love it.
Speaker 1:There's no can. Yeah, I feel like when you are sitting inside of your pleasure and you know that you are pleasuring me, there is this like primal dominance that comes out you. There's this like strong assertiveness that's like you're mine in this moment, and I think that's so hot and I want more of it. Okay, all the way through More yeah.
Speaker 2:I got you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, put lighter on the nipples, like you were saying, not so aggressive on the nips, okay, okay, okay, let's see. Other than that, I mean that's pretty what I would say and like more buildup. You know, like I love foreplay. Foreplay is all the things throughout the day, yeah, all the things throughout the week that like make me horny. All the things throughout the week that like make me horny, like the random rubbing my back and giving me kisses and helping with like life and around the house and like taking initiative on all these things, Like those things you know make me pretty hot, yeah.
Speaker 2:So that's it. Okay, that's what.
Speaker 1:I would say All right, I love it. Yeah, those are your questions, those are the questions that I asked.
Speaker 2:Yeah, those are your questions.
Speaker 1:Those are the questions that I asked. Yeah, those are great.
Speaker 2:Uh-huh. Hopefully people are having these conversations.
Speaker 1:And I think I hope they are too. I think they're important, and I'm glad that we sat down and did it too, because I want people to be able to see like these conversations can be had and they're not as scary as they can be, can feel they can be scary, but they're not.
Speaker 2:They're. As long as you have them in a safe space.
Speaker 1:They're not that scary yeah, and also like I think. Sometimes I feel like it's I feel like because we've had so many of these conversations before and in depth, like this is still the realness of our conversations. Like we're still sitting inside of things. Like you said a few things today that I was like, oh, that's new, you know, or more honest, or more like truthful. So yeah, this is the work.
Speaker 2:This is the work, yeah, and this is also coffee in the morning just a little bit left, but now yeah, that's better yeah, I love you I love you I appreciate you I appreciate you. Are you gonna come and kiss me? Yeah, you should have done that.
Speaker 1:I love you, I appreciate you, I appreciate you. Were you gonna come and kiss?
Speaker 2:me. Yeah, you should have done that. I love you and I appreciate you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, all the time yeah. You're beautiful, you know it. We should get you another hoodie, more hoodies.