Mating and Relating
Where curiosity meets conversation! Mating and Relating is bringing the real, the taboo and the relatable to the table in love, sex and relationships!
I’m Bri and my mission for the M&R Podcast is to be a safe space to explore the nuances of relationships and sex. We are connective beings meant to nourish and embrace our erotic nature with ourselves and with others. Whether platonic, romantic, monogamy, multi-gamy or somewhere in between, we all desire to live and feel fully expressed, safely loved and well f*cked; specifically in the ways that nurture and expand our individual versions of self and intimacy.
Each week I’ll aim to normalize the convo and refine the stigmas around sex and love through candid chats, personal experiences, educated segments and empowering tidbits to show you just how relatable your desires and situations actually are!
Invite your friends, your partner, your mother or your platonic lovers and join the convo everyone is begging to have more of!
Mating and Relating
Practice Makes Partnership: Five C's Of Love
Ask Bri! Got a question? Send it over and listen out for a response during the following episode!
A candid revelation over sushi sparked this exploration into what makes relationships thrive beyond the superficial. When a friend struggling with dating in his thirties called my marriage "perfect," I couldn't help but laugh—what he saw as perfection was actually years of messy, beautiful work.
The dating landscape has drastically changed with swipe culture hijacking our natural connection abilities. We've lost patience for authenticity, constantly chasing the next best option rather than seeing the humanity in potential partners. Dating apps have us judging compatibility based on photos and bios rather than using our intuition and senses to gauge attraction. Meanwhile, those seeking lasting connections feel increasingly hopeless about finding partnership.
Drawing from over a decade of marriage and professional experience, I'm sharing the framework that's helped sustain our relationship—the five C's of love. Curiosity keeps us actively interested in our evolving partners. Communication transforms conflicts into growth opportunities. Consideration honors your partner's agency in decision-making. Co-regulation creates emotional safety during difficult times. Co-creation builds a relationship structure that works uniquely for you both. These principles aren't about achieving perfection but about creating a partnership where both people feel seen, accepted, challenged, and celebrated.
There's no perfect manual for love, only the handbook you write together through commitment to growth and connection. Don't be fooled by relationship highlight reels or the myth of the perfect match. Instead, stay patient, remain present, and remember that practice—not perfection—makes partnership.
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So I'm out to sushi with a friend. I hadn't seen this person in a while and naturally, as many of my conversations do, we start drifting towards my work or relationships and sex, and this friend started to mention how it feels really impossible to date in your 30s. It's not just hard but less desirable, especially considering the apps and the kinds of people that he's been matching with, and I will say that I think a lot of this does come down to swipe culture. I think it's actually keeping us from using the basic fundamental skills we need as humans, like communication, negotiation, emotional attunement right To build real and sustainable and desirable connections. And, on top of that, I feel like it's robbing us of the chance to use our senses right, our intuition, our body language, our energetic read of someone that's actually going to help inform our attraction, and we're not experiencing each other anymore as these whole multidimensional humans. We're just judging based off of a photo or a caption or a witty bio and losing the ability to actually feel what makes us drawn to someone in the first place, and I could probably talk about that for a really long time, but that'll be for another episode. So he says that, again, it being impossible to date in your 30s.
Speaker 1:And then he says something to me that actually inspired this podcast. He makes a comparison to my marriage, my relationship, and he tells me that he thinks my husband and I have the perfect marriage. And I laughed at him, right in his face, just cackled, and then I saw how serious he was being and it made me sad and I felt guilty. And I felt sad because he's struggling to connect with someone. Right, I want all of my friends to be in thriving partnerships, if that's what they want, but the sadness really came from that. Because he's struggling, he doesn't believe that a committed romantic relationship is something that's possible for him. And it's not because he doesn't want it, right, it's because he feels like it's actually not in the cards, like it's out of reach. And so that's where this layer of guilt comes in. I feel guilty that I am in a beautiful relationship, right.
Speaker 1:I feel guilty that what he sees as perfection is actually just a whole lot of loving the messy and being human. He's seeing from this outside perspective, right, the so-called perfect marriage. But it's actually years of effort. It's years of learning how to understand each other when we didn't know that we could. It's tears over the things that we really were unsure of, unsure if we'd actually ever recover from right. It's those vulnerable and soul-bearing and difficult conversations that went on for months, that were cyclical. It's all of the moments, the countless moments of effort and love and laughter, and lulls and struggles and acceptance, trying, growing, learning, hurting, supporting and just trusting that the work that we put in would be worth it.
Speaker 1:So what he sees is perfection, right? Maybe with all of the right circumstances. It's just partnership. And partnership is prioritizing the vitality of the connection. Partnership is honoring the wholeness of each other as individuals inside of the container of partnership. Right, it's choosing every day to stay curious, to communicate, to consider each other daily. Right To maintain the safety that you're building and create the kind of container that actually feels good for the people that are involved.
Speaker 1:And I think the guilt that I carry around this comes from feeling like it's my responsibility to show everybody all of these parts of my marriage so that maybe they feel less alone in how they show up in their own right, or so that it helps them in some way navigate their path through a more authentic lens, instead of looking at one healthy version of a relationship through these rose colored glasses or through a highlight reel. And if somebody who has known John and I from the beginning thinks that we have this perfect marriage, I feel like I haven't done my job. I feel like I haven't done my job as a friend, definitely not as an educator, and that feels like a really hard pill to swallow. And so I want to take you on a brief stroll down memory lane of how I met my husband. I met John before the dating apps really blew up. I mean, there were definitely like matchmaking services, for sure, but the apps were really just starting to hit the scene and we met through mutual friends. Actually, it's kind of serendipitous and it was a roughish start. It was messy, it was dramatic, it was so cute. We were 1920, living out in la, and I remember us talking a lot, right, just deep, lengthy conversations right from the start. We didn't have sex sleep together for months, right.
Speaker 1:Not saying that's better or worse. We felt pretty hard for each other and I'm thankful that we were just really intentional about how we built our relationship. We didn't define the relationship. I don't think, till we got engaged, and not again, that there's anything wrong with doing that, whatever you decide to do. If that's your jam, if you like it, I love it. Okay, but for us it just wasn't our pace and we definitely didn't get it all right. We fucked up a lot, plenty of times.
Speaker 1:You know we had those really big, dramatic moments. You know the ones where you're like professing your love to each other under the streetlights and talking about all the ways that you're scared to fall in love. But you know it's going to happen. And so we had these really romantic moments too of just reminding each other that, hey, we're going to be there to catch each other when we inevitably fall, and that we were going to just create this really beautiful, safe, soft, spacious blanket of love to hold each other in forever and ever and ever. Looking back on those moments now, it was way less poetic than I'm describing it, I promise, but the intention, the sentiment, it's still the same. It's probably even more true now. I mean, we have continued to nurture our love and our partnership in a way that makes it sustainable for us, desirable for us, right. And we got married young. It's been over a decade and still it feels like we're growing into us right, us as an entity, and we're doing it slowly and steadily and again intentionally, and we're fostering what it means for us to really be in partnership.
Speaker 1:So never underestimate the power of Slow and steady, right, especially in a world where we're starving for attention. We live in an attention economy, right, there are endless options dangled in front of us on the daily. A new app pops up every day. It's easier than ever to be like swipe. Thank you.
Speaker 1:Next, right To anybody who may not check off every box on our surface level attraction list. Or we write someone off because our astrological incompatibility right, listen, listen. Okay, that's coming from somebody who loves the esoteric sciences and the woo-woo, okay. And all I'm saying is that I believe that this swipe culture, right, is truly and mercilessly killing our basic human desire, which is connection. We don't have the patience for it anymore and we want to, right. We don't have the patience for authenticity or longevity, because our attention spans are being hijacked by the next best, hotter, smarter, funnier, hornier person. Right, the grass seems greener on the other side, but is it really? Or is just that someone else's lawn and they're watering it? And so my advice to that is to take note. Don't go over there and trample their yard. Don't do it, okay, and instead of nitpicking every beige flag, right?
Speaker 1:Or letting FOMO dictate your life, what if you chose to see the humanity in people? What if you give yourself the opportunity to actually connect, to foster intimacy, to slow down, be present? Right, make the time to really get to know each other while also getting to know yourself. That's important, right. It's a nourishing choice to take the time to actually excavate and unearth your fears and lean into your desires, with someone alongside someone to talk and share and listen and be heard and to try and understand. Right, to learn to show up with compassion and care, even when you don't understand. And there's a lot of that. Right, because if you want something lasting, if you desire partnership, you have to make the time to grow into relationship. Partnership. You have to make the time to grow into relationship. You have to prioritize a connection that actually feels authentic for you, not just for the night, not just for this fleeting moment.
Speaker 1:Right and I'm sure you've heard of this before and I am a firm believer in it Experience is life's mentor. We are forever students in this beautifully messy thing that we get to call life. Right. How exciting is that? And we're going to learn many of our lessons through experience, through trial and error, and if you're anything like me, you don't do too well with regret. Okay, one of my biggest fears and you usually want to know for sure if something or someone is right for you or not, and the best way to figure that out is try it on for size. Now I will say this is this is more of a discernment kind of statement, so definitely use your better judgment, talk to confidants things of that nature.
Speaker 1:Um, because over the years, through loving my husband, through building a life with him, through being loved by him and working also as a professional confidant right for relationships, I found that, honestly, the core desire inside of relationship, something that we're all after, is whole, authentic intimacy. Right, that's a closeness that feels both exciting and nourishing. It's connection that is solid and inspiring. It's partnership right, where we feel seen and accepted and validated and challenged and honored and celebrated for who we are and who we're becoming, where we can be fully alive right, be safely and wildly in love. And I've had my own partnership and the privilege of witnessing other partnerships to thank for helping me learn how to sit inside of a relationship with a lot of patience, curiosity and the desire to love better, because when we love someone, we want to know how to love them better. We always do, and so here's what I've learned about cultivating intimacy and connection, no matter what stage you're at inside of your relationship, right, no matter how long you've been together or even like the current circumstances of your situation right now.
Speaker 1:And I call these the five C's of love. And so the first C is curiosity. Curiosity in a relationship is about staying actively interested. It's about wanting to learn new things about your partner, right, and your partnership, even after years of being together. It's actually the lack of curiosity, I've found, that leads to stagnation or monotony, right that slow death. So ask yourself, when was the last time you were really curious? When was the last time you asked your partner about their desires? When was the last time you gave them your undivided attention, when they shared something that they were into, and how did you show up in investment for that? There's always something new to discover about your partner because we're ever evolving, we're constantly growing, so be a part of that right Curiosity. I believe curiosity is love in action.
Speaker 1:The second C is communication, and communication is about really truly listening, receiving and sharing. It's not nodding your head, right, like while you rehearse your response. It's not assuming, it's not letting your ego lead. It's being present and really hearing what your partner is saying. It's really recognizing their feelings around the situation. Dr Emily Morshi says communication is lubrication. Right, how you talk about sex. If you talk about sex, you have better sex. If you talk about your relationships, you have a better relationship. Right, because it can turn toxic fights into healthy ones. It can turn fantasies into reality. It's actually what helps heal the parts of us that have been neglected and rejected and harmed in love or by love, right? So when we communicate, we create opportunities for our partners to learn how to love us better. And isn't that amazing? I think so.
Speaker 1:C number three consideration. And consideration is the deliberate and careful act of thinking about your partner and your partnership, especially when making decisions, especially those decisions that will directly impact them. Right, it's pausing to ask hey, how would I feel if I was in this situation, that she was on the other foot? How will my partner feel about this? It's making choices that actually honor your partner's agency within your relationship. Also, I personally believe that consideration is one of the most beautiful forms of love. So consider daily, consider often Okay.
Speaker 1:Number four co -regulation. So co-regulation is about supporting your partner emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually and, yes, erotically. Okay, it's about showing up with a lot of compassion, right, showing up with them when they're having a rough day, instead of maybe reacting out of frustration or defensiveness, because you've onboarded their feelings and, yeah, you may have had a bad day and that's valid. And when you lean into co-regulation, right, you can actually help you and your partner return to a place of steady and home and from there they can show up for you and you can show up from them. Right, it's about creating a space of safety for vulnerability, for transparency, for being human. It's about becoming the quiet in the chaos, right, the comfort in the storm. It's creating a space that feels safe to land home in for each other.
Speaker 1:And number five, co-creation. Co-creation is the collaborative effort to build, grow and maintain the relationship that is mutually desirable, and there's no one size fits all for love. I'm going to tell you that right now. Okay, every partnership is unique, as it should be. And if you want to have longevity, right, you've got to show up. You've got to define what compromise is, what infidelity means for you, right, sit with the hard stuff together and you have to choose to love your differences, not let them become these deal breakers. Co-creation is foundational. It is the offering to the relationship that says, hey, we're in this together, we are a team. That's what builds connection. That's true intimacy, right, that is partnership, the foundation of partnership.
Speaker 1:And this is, yes, just one married woman's opinion, albeit a professional one as well. But there's no rule book for love, really. There's no perfect manual on how to do partnership the right way, right. There's only the handbook that you and your partner co -create together. It's about the choice to stay open, right, to stay available to growth and commitment and connection.
Speaker 1:And over the years, my husband and I, john and I have built relational stamina around how to show up for each other in our marriage. And it is a perk of the job that I get to put these five C's into practice and actually see how powerful they are, how profound they are for establishing a container that feels really nourishing for us. And I'm not promising that this journey is going to be free of speed bumps or detours or literally full-on blowouts, and honestly, I think that's actually what kind of makes it a fun ride, right, like I wouldn't suggest bypassing all that growth that comes with the winding journey. So here's my hope for you, here's my offering to you and your partnership. Okay, I hope that you lean in when you want to check out, that you talk to each other, that you remain continuously curious about who the other is, that you consider each other daily, that you teach each other that love is safe and you create the kind of relationship that you're proud of.
Speaker 1:Right, don't chase perfection. It doesn't exist, not in my marriage, not in anyone else's, no matter how good it looks on paper or on the social medias. Okay, it's not about luck. It's not about age or the right set of circumstances, right, it's not even about your astrological synastry, Although I do love a good pattern bond. It doesn't matter if you've been together since you were 19 or you're still searching throughout your 30s and beyond. Just be patient, stay present, incorporate the five C's that I talked about and know truly that practice makes partnership. So, thank you for spending this time with me. If you enjoyed this episode, like and subscribe, share it with your partner someone who needs it and if you post it to your socials, make sure to give me a tag. I'm Brianna Andrina. At all of the things on all of the socials happy, mating and relating. I love you, stay sexy and we will talk soon.