6 Powerful Lessons To Transform Your Approach To Love and Connection

Drawing from my Human Design as a 1-3 mental projector, I share six powerful relationship lessons that have transformed how I show up in partnership and for myself in ways that feel most nourishing and authentic.

• The autonomy of your relationship is only as strong as the security of it—we feel liberated by our relationships when we feel safe within them
• Fall for the potential—the route to knowing if someone is for you is through choosing to chase the idea of what they could be
• Practice does not make perfect, it makes partnership—relationships require daily practice of showing up
• Couples who prioritize acceptance have far more stamina than couples who prioritize compatibility—understanding and loving our differences creates stronger bonds
• At the root of self-abandoning or self-loving behavior, worthiness is either going to be the poison or the nourishment
• Make your cake and eat it off your partner too—let yourself want what you want and create the kind of life and partnership that turns you on

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Chapters

• 0:00 Human Design and Authentic Relationships
• 1:36 Relationship Autonomy and Security
• 3:55 Falling for Potential and Partnership
• 5:54 Prioritizing Acceptance Over Compatibility
• 7:34 Worthiness as Poison or Nourishment
• 9:25 Making Your Cake and Eating It Too

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

So good. So I'm not sure how many of you are human design nerds like me, but the more that I do learn about my design, I am a 1-3 mental projector for anybody who cares, and I utilize this in my life. I feel like I'm actually showing up in a way that feels the truest for me and, being a 1-3 mental projector, I feel most confident when I have a solid foundation of understanding of whatever it is right. This is where my cerebral part gets to really shine and I couple that with the experiments and the experience where I get to learn whatever it is from a really visceral space that trial and error method and with love, sex and relationships, my design feels a thousand percent accurate. It's probably why I'm in this genre of profession and why my work does feel so deeply intertwined with who I am, and it's probably the reason why I desire to share what I learn in the way that I do right. Hopefully it sparks those little like aha moments for you when it comes to your own eroticism and your own relationships, and so I get to use my experience, plus my professional lens, to hopefully help you feel less alone in your journeys and more equipped to actually navigate them from an authentic space, and I have been compiling a list of quotes and lessons that have really helped me show up, in partnership and for myself, in a way that feels the most nourishing and the most authentic, and I wanted to share them with you at least a few of them. We're probably going to do a couple parts of this, just because there are a lot of lessons and I don't want to dump them all on you right away. So if you have been following me in any capacity, you'll hear a few of these, and these are the first six. And the first one is honestly one of my favorite understandings of relationship, and it goes like this the autonomy of your relationship is only as strong as the security of it. I know so good, and what that means is that we feel liberated by our relationships when we feel safe within them. Right, we can live to the fullest of our capacity individually, when we feel accepted, when we feel loved, when we feel supported and taken care of and encouraged collectively.

Speaker 1: 2:10

I remember having the conversation years ago with John, my husband, about how I felt like I didn't know who I was apart from him outside of our marriage. Right At that point, I'd never gone on a solo trip, I felt like everything we did had to be together, that I wasn't allowed to individuate, I couldn't want my own things outside of the life that we created, and that everything had to filter through our marriage. That's how people saw us now. That's who I was. I felt confined, and then, after conversations, I realized that it wasn't John that was keeping me from being my own person, and it wasn't even my marriage. It was because we hadn't, at the time, created a conscious container for individuality. It's the who am I alongside you versus who am I because of you. Those questions right. And our partnership didn't feel autonomous because we didn't have the conversation about what it meant to be our own people. Within the marital container, we talked about marriage as the sole proprietor of everything, including our individual personhood, and so once we were able to sit inside a conversation about who we are, separate from one another, the security skyrocketed. The relationship felt even more solid. The autonomy of our marriage felt so healing for both of us in so many ways. So the autonomy of your relationship is only as strong as the security of it.

Speaker 1: 3:34

Two fall for the potential. Maybe the route to knowing if someone is for you is through choosing to chase the idea of what they could be, and I might get a lot of heat for that. But I am of the mindset that we don't know if somebody is for us before we've given them the opportunity, the space, the time to show us. And within that bracket is potential right, the potential of it coming to a close, right To a lesson, or the potential of it being something lasting and beautiful. And falling for the potential isn't saying make this person who I want them to be for me, or let me just limerence the shit out of this situation. It's remaining open to the possibility of who they are. Curious, right, curious about how they show up for you and then making the decision. So fall for the potential.

Speaker 1: 4:26

Three practice does not make partnership. Practice does not make perfect, it makes partnership. I have been with the same man since I was 20. 20. We have had to learn to love multiple versions of the other person. And when people say that marriage is work because I agree with them, it is work we tend to focus on the hard work. We tend to make it this whole daunting journey of struggle and heartache and complacency and monotony with a twist of worth. It you know. But what we don't talk about are the moments of bliss. We don't emphasize enough that it's not just the hard work, it's not just the heavy lifting that makes it beautiful, that makes it partnership, it's the light work too. It's the moments where you're in the trenches and you look over and you laugh together because of the mess that you are both in right. The moments when you're in tears and you're devastatingly turned on by their vulnerability and their transparency. It's when your heart aches and is full of so much love that you can't breathe because of how much you care about this person. Let's talk about love in that way, in a way that humanizes it, in a way that shows us it takes practice, it takes the daily acts of showing up. It's not about perfection, it's not about a highlight reel. It's not about being curated. It's not about perfection. It's not about a highlight reel. It's not about being curated. It's about partnership, and practice makes partnership.

Speaker 1: 5:54

Four couples who prioritize acceptance have far more stamina than couples who prioritize compatibility. I know, I know and let me explain so. One of my favorite teachings about partnership is love mapping and it comes from the Gottmans. About partnership is love mapping and it comes from the Gottmans, and they talk a lot about understanding how our partners see the world and loving that right. Because they are separate from us, we fell in love with them for all of the reasons that make them who they are hopefully right. And when we prioritize loving our differences instead of putting those things on a list of incompatibility, we actually learn to accept them for who they are, not just for who they are for us. And so when we look at the way that they see the world as an opportunity for curiosity rather than you know these possible detriments to our compatibility, we also create the frequency for them to do the same for us. We might fall into love. We might fall in love, but we absolutely grow into partnership, and that growth takes effort and consistency and understanding. Even when we really don't understand, even when we're like why are they like this? Why do they do that? Why do they like that? Right? You don't always have to understand. You can choose to. You can learn to accept who they are, what they like, how they do things right. As long as it's truly not a detriment to the safety or the security or the integrity of the relationship, it's okay to love our differences, love how your partner sees the world Five at the root of your self abandoning or self-loving behavior, you will find that worthiness is either going to be the poison or the nourishment. And here's what I mean.

Speaker 1: 7:39

In the beginning of our marriage, the first few years, I had this nasty little habit right Of hurting my own feelings to punish John later, so I would take it out on my house. I probably got that from my mother. It's a very bypassing, passive, aggressive thing, but it works unless you have the tools, and I remember being upset at him for like wanting to go out and hang out with his friends again instead of staying home and doing things with me or taking care of things that we needed to do around the house right For our life, and instead of allowing myself to ask for what I wanted, ask for the need to be met or maybe take that opportunity to go spend time with my friends, I would stay home and I would do all the things that I wanted us to do, just to give myself more ammunition to be pissed off about it later and then hold it against him. Or if I was really hurt by something, I would close up purposely, withhold, shut him out all day, even though I knew that talking about it would help. Even though he asked what's wrong, nothing right. I would think to myself I'm not worth the request, I'm not worth the effort or what I have to say isn't worth the argument or worth the repair. And more often than not, john was receptive to my asks, he was considerate, he would hear me out, he would be apologetic, he would take accountability, he wanted to show up for me. And so when I say that worthiness is either the poison or the nourishment, it's recognizing that when you self-betray because you feel unworthy, right, or when you show yourself love and care and kindness and compassion because you feel worthy, it's all about what your worth means to you. So water yourself worthy.

Speaker 1: 9:25

And last but not least, and probably one of my favorites, is I'll make my cake and eat it off my husband too, thank you. And the whole sentiment is that, like you, can't have your cake and eat it too. And that just always confused me. You know, it was just a bit weird, like why who's not going to eat cake if they have it? I don't know. It's just a little psychotic to me, and this quote is a little reminder for you to let yourself want what you want.

Speaker 1: 9:58

Go after what brings you joy. Be who you want to be. Love who you want to love, create the kind of life and partnership that turns you on, that nourishes you, and respectfully fuck whoever doesn't agree. Right, they don't have to. They don't have to eat. Doesn't agree, right, they don't have to. They don't have to eat a piece of your cake, they don't have to eat a piece of my cake.

Speaker 1: 10:20

I'll eat the whole damn thing and off my husband, because that's hot and we too often feel like we have to live for others. Right, we have to remain digestible, relatable, understandable. That in order to be acceptable, we have to forego who we are, deep down, right when no one's watching, when we aren't performing and we can't have all that we want when we want how we want, because that's gluttonous and selfish and too audacious and it's practically unattainable. It's bullshit. It's bullshit.

Speaker 1: 10:57

And I want to be someone who enjoys and deeply loves her life, who embraces her turn on and her idiosyncrasies and marches to the beat of her drum. I want to be someone who shows people possibility and radical self-love and self-acceptance and self-championing, while also being in a deeply beautiful, loving, consensual, mutually desirable relationship. I want to be somebody who makes her cake and eats it off her husband too. Thank you, thank you. So these are just a few of the lessons in quotes, and thank you so much for spending time with me.

Speaker 1: 11:41

I want to be somebody who remains curious about my life. I'm a student of life. I love knowing the things that turn me on and bring me to a truer version of who I am, and so I want to share those things with you in a way that feels good. And, if you enjoy this episode, share it, review it, subscribe to the podcast on all of the things, if you post on social tag me at Brianna and Trina, I will love on you right back and stay sexy, stay curious. I love you so much and I will talk to you soon, cute.