Mating and Relating
Where curiosity meets conversation! Mating and Relating is bringing the real, the taboo and the relatable to the table in love, sex and relationships!
I’m Bri and my mission for the M&R Podcast is to be a safe space to explore the nuances of relationships and sex. We are connective beings meant to nourish and embrace our erotic nature with ourselves and with others. Whether platonic, romantic, monogamy, multi-gamy or somewhere in between, we all desire to live and feel fully expressed, safely loved and well f*cked; specifically in the ways that nurture and expand our individual versions of self and intimacy.
Each week I’ll aim to normalize the convo and refine the stigmas around sex and love through candid chats, personal experiences, educated segments and empowering tidbits to show you just how relatable your desires and situations actually are!
Invite your friends, your partner, your mother or your platonic lovers and join the convo everyone is begging to have more of!
Mating and Relating
How We Talk About Our Partners When They're Not Around
Ask Bri! Got a question? Send it over and listen out for a response during the following episode!
We explore the delicate balance of discussing relationship issues with friends versus keeping conflicts within the partnership. Our conversation unpacks when seeking outside perspective is helpful and when it undermines the relationship.
• Coffee in the morning starts our discussion about relationship boundaries
• Analyzing a viral clip about whether to discuss marriage problems with friends
• Questioning the "queen and chambermaid" analogy that positions marriage above friendships
• Examining how the language we use about our partners affects perception
• The importance of resolving conflicts directly rather than just venting to friends
• Why trusted advisors who know both partners make better confidants
• Maintaining respect for your partnership even during disagreements
• How unresolved issues can be reignited through friend conversations
• The value of choosing friends who encourage resolution rather than drama
• Finding healthy outlets for frustration without undermining your relationship
• Setting standards for all relationships in your life, not just romantic ones
If you're struggling with relationship communication, try journaling your feelings before sharing them with others. Make sure the conversations you have with friends are matched by even deeper conversations with your partner.
Thanks for spending time with me! New Episodes drop every Wednesday. Hit the follow button to get notified!
If you prefer video or want closed captions, you can watch all episodes on Youtube → https://www.youtube.com/@briannaendrina
Let's Be Friends!
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/briannaendrina/
Tiktok: https://www.tiktok.com/@briannaendrina
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/briannaendrina
More Resources For You: https://briannaendrina.com/
Become an Intimacy Insider: https://intimacyinsider.substack.com/ and get your weekly dose of deliciousness sent right to your inbox. Think your personal playground + library for erotic and relational wellness.
Join My Email List: https://briannaendrina.myflodesk.com/joinemaillist I'll send you monthly newsletters filled with updates, smut, relatables & other goodies to keep you sated.
If you enjoyed this episode, please leave a review! Your voice matters -- and it's super sexy to show love and support!
Stay sexy, Stay curious,
Love, Bri
It's so early.
Speaker 2:It's so early, huh yeah, fill this up to the brim.
Speaker 1:Wow, that's fresh coffee.
Speaker 2:Coffee in the morning Ding.
Speaker 1:That's hot, do you?
Speaker 2:know what brand this is? No, I don't. This was the last one.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we should figure that out.
Speaker 2:What brand?
Speaker 1:Yeah. We should, we trade Sponsor by so, and so we trade.
Speaker 3:Coffee company.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's, yeah, you're right.
Speaker 1:See, and every time we have coffee in the morning we drink the different coffees.
Speaker 2:This is the different coffee. Okay, all right, so I found this thing.
Speaker 1:Yeah, this is your coffee in the morning.
Speaker 2:This is my coffee in the morning. I don't want to spill this because this is full as a pool. Okay, don't spill it All right On a stool. Found this thing.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And I wanted to show it to you. Okay, so it's interesting to me, okay, but let's see how you feel about it.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 3:Why do you not talk to your girlfriends about your marriage? Would a queen talk to a chambermaid about the king? How would the chambermaid understand what it is that the queen is going through or has to understand? Why am I going to go get advice from somebody who has a failed marriage, who doesn't understand what it's like to be with a man like that? Number two, if I go and tell my friend how horrible Grant was about something, which there's two sides of the story, and then I'm gonna go make up with Grant. But now I've told them that Grant is domineering, grant is controlling, he only thinks about himself. They're stuck with that.
Speaker 3:So now I've made up with my husband, I go hang out with my best friend, susie Q. She's like like so how's grant? Oh, is he doing the domineering thing again? Boom, I'm lit back up. Didn't even have a fight with him, but I'm lit back up.
Speaker 3:Either I'm trying to now talk to her and convince her that my husband isn't the piece of garbage that I made him out to be earlier I'm trying to convince her of that or I'm reignited about the upset and how he does not treat me with respect and he does treat me like I said, and I'm always doing this for him and he doesn't do that. And then boom, now I'm home with my husband and guess what he does. One little thing where he's like I'm going here, um, to do this, and I'm like, oh really, oh, so it's my job to take care of the kids. Oh, you just get to do whatever you want, because you just think about only yourself, do you understand? I've just now picked a fight that wasn't even there, because I'm all re-stimulated from this conversation that I had with this girl.
Speaker 2:Well, goodness, how does that make you feel?
Speaker 1:I have so many feelings about that.
Speaker 3:Okay.
Speaker 2:Let's start with one. How do you feel about people? How do you feel about the first comment about um talking, talking about your man?
Speaker 1:Oh, I have all of the points.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I have all the points. Okay. First of all, I love the question. I think when he's like how do you feel about talking about your man to your girlfriends, cool, we're immediately that the context of that is immediately going towards talking shit about your husband. So maybe let's reframe the question, because he didn't even ask how do you feel about talking shit about your husband to your girlfriends. He was just how do you feel about talking about your husband to your girlfriends? Her mind immediately went to me, talking shit about my husband, which is interesting.
Speaker 2:We don't know the beforehand of their conversation, but we just know that, based off of that piece of context.
Speaker 1:So you gotta be careful with pieces of context that you put on the internet, because I'm gonna tear that shit apart, right? So that part right there is like there was. No, there was no information around the context of what type of talking about your husband, because there could be multiple types of conversations. But we'll go with what she went with. We'll go with the shit talking aspect of it, right? First of all, why would she call herself a queen and then her best friends a chambermaid?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think it's the context of.
Speaker 1:These are just little things that I picked up. Why would you do that?
Speaker 1:first of all, and then why would you be hanging around with people and calling them your best friend if you're also just going to go ahead and talk shit about them publicly on the fucking internet? Two, talking about your man with your girlfriends, first of all, if you are having healthy outlets for when you are experiencing something difficult within partnership is okay, 100% okay. Now, if all you're doing is going to these people and not going to your husband and all you're doing is talking shit about him to these people, first of all, trust advisors, confidants, people that you know who are not just going to take your word for it about the friendship, and hopefully, if they are your girlfriends, maybe they know your husband at least in some capacity, right, so they can also vouch for him in a way that they understand who you are and that relationships go through issues and relationships have tiffs and people irritate you and, yeah, even if they haven't had a successful marriage or they've had failed marriages, at least they understand what it's like to be in partnership. So they get the hardships of going through partnership, the difficulties or the irritations or the frustrations or whatever. So you would think that if you have friends who you are sharing this information with, then they would at least have enough wherewithal to recognize that relationships are two-sided, relationships are so nuanced in the conversation that they have the language that they use and that they're the people that you surround yourself with at least are not taking what you say to heart and they're holding space for you because they're your friend, that you surround yourself with at least, are not taking what you say to heart and they're holding space for you because they're your friend and you're coming to them with an issue. It's more about like. My mindset around that conversation at least around what she said was more of like you need to check yourself in the way that you show up. In talking to your girlfriends. You can have healthy outlets. You can talk about your husband and the issues that you're going through and the frustrations that you're sitting inside of and how you feel like maybe they're not showing up for you in the way that you want, but you don't have to demean them. You don't have to belittle them. You can still use very respectful and loving and nourishing language while you're saying, hey, my needs aren't being met. So it's about that.
Speaker 1:In the middle, the beginning of the conversation, she immediately went to the quote of saying why would a queen, go to a chambermaid and tell him about the queen. That, to me, puts your relationships in such a hierarchy of like I'm over them because they've had a failed marriage. Marriages fail for all sorts of reasons and I don't even believe you can fail in marriages, but like they don't work out for a plethora of different reasons. And then two towards the end of the conversation, when she was just like now I've gone. I've told this person that Grant doesn't treat me right and Grant, um uh, disrespects me and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Then maybe check the relationship with Grant.
Speaker 1:Like maybe sit down and have a conversation with your husband and address all of these situations. You can do both. They can coexist. You can go and have healthy outlets for the things that you're sitting inside of within a relationship. We all need more relationship than just our marriages, right?
Speaker 1:And also, make sure the conversation that you're bringing to your girlfriends are the same conversations you're bringing to your husbands. Make sure you're able to sit inside of that type of conversation with a man that is not meeting all of your needs, because he's the only one in this situation that's going to be able to do that for you, not your girlfriends, but they can hold the space if you're frustrated and need a way to off-board some of the heat that you're sitting inside of, and it's okay to do that. It's absolutely okay to do that. It's about how you go to your girlfriends in doing that, and then the end, too, when she's like, oh, I'm gonna um, what did she say? I'm now I've gone back to suzy q, who she also called her best friend. She, you go back to suzy q, I think she's just using these as references.
Speaker 1:I know I understand that, but still it's like think about the way in which you're talking about the whole setup.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, because it's showing me how you value all of your relationships, first of all, yeah um, and so it's like you can go to your friends and you, after you've um, talked shit or whatever about your husband, off boarded all that stuff, and then made up with your husband and go back to your friend and and Susan Q is like how, like, how's this thing going Good on, good on your friend, for at least checking in on you and not just brushing you aside One, two? It is your responsibility how you show up after resolve of conflict.
Speaker 1:If you know that you've just gone to a friend and shit talk them. I know in the whole video she's saying this is why I don't do that, but the example that she gave is like you don't do that because this is what is either typically that happens or this is what you would do, specifically Because also making that entire judgment on a collective of people not becoming Two, like sitting inside of a friendship and you express these feelings and then they check in on you. Beautiful, now you're responsible for how you show up after that. If you know you went to your friend and just shit talk to your husband because you were in a mood, then it's your responsibility then to go to your friend and say I probably spoke like out of line with the language that I used around him, like I feel guilty or I feel a lot of shame around the way that I spoke about it. I'm sorry about that. Thank you for checking in on me. We're doing okay.
Speaker 1:Them asking you how you're doing. Checking in on you, showing you care as a relationship should not sit you inside of reigniting the feelings that were happening, unless you actually didn't fucking resolve, unless you actually didn't have the conversation with your husband, and you just use them as fucking a punching bag to like offline everything or off board everything that you were feeling. And then you went back thinking all hunky and dory because you don't know how to communicate in your relationship, like those are two different things, because I know with you and I, if we're sitting inside a conflict and let's just say I go to one of my friends which I do and off board some of my emotions to get clarity before I come to you with things, I'm going to come First of all. I'm not going to shit talk you too.
Speaker 3:I'm going to.
Speaker 1:I choose friends who understand that even though they haven't had successful marriages, they're going to sit inside of the fact that. I understand relationships are two sided. I understand relationships are nuanced. I also know you. I also know, John. I can vouch for the both of you and how you guys show up in your relationship. So, yes, I'm going to sit here and listen to how you're feeling about this particular situation. I'm going to offer you care and guidance about this particular situation and then I'm going to go back to you I'm going to say, hey, this is how I'm feeling and we're going to talk about it and we're going to mend the situation of the unmet needs. And then I'm going to go back to my friend and they're going to be like how'd that thing go? With you and John, I'm like you know what we actually talked about and it's good. Thank you for asking. I'm not going to allow that situation to fester back up because you want to know why it was resolved and if it was resolved?
Speaker 2:why?
Speaker 1:do I have a reason to get back reignited? That don't make this woman from Adam, but like this little clip was not becoming. If what she is trying to say is, be mindful about how much you share about the frustrations of your relationship with anybody outside the marriage, because it can cause sometimes, depending on the relationships and depending on the language that you use, irreparable damage to the identity of your person and other people's eyes who are also important to you. It does not look.
Speaker 2:Becoming.
Speaker 1:It's not becoming and it's not. Yeah, it's not healthy for a relationship. You don't want a relationship where all you're doing is talking shit about me to your friends and me talking shit about you. We've seen relationships. That happens too. In a weird way, it's like I think the sentiment was meant to be positive. I think the sentiment was meant to say hey, just be mindful of what you offer to the people in your life, about this very intimate space that you share with somebody, because you never know how they're going to take it. You never know how it's going to taint the waters of those relationships, how it's going to affect the way that they view your partner. From that point onward, I would say it's so much about just being mindful that also, if you're going to talk to other people about things in your relationship, make sure you're actually talking to the person in the relationship.
Speaker 2:Yeah, can I give my point? I would love to have your point. Sorry, I don't want to cut you off. No, I'm just, I'm going.
Speaker 1:I will go on this because you know how I feel, Because what, but the great thing is, I love where you're coming from and how you feel about the conversation that? Happened.
Speaker 2:We don't know the entire story. She could be saying exactly what you're saying, yeah, and then that little clip no-transcript and should be set to a higher standard than just their friends. Okay, I have seen it with relationships that it's like these are my friends, I'm gonna do with my friends, what I wanna do with my friends you have, that's not, that's my husband, uh-uh. She was taking their relationship, putting it on a pedestal at a higher point than her friends, and I think so many people don't do that and they put sometimes their relationship lower than their friends.
Speaker 1:Okay, okay.
Speaker 2:Which I don't approve of. If you want it to be on the same playing field where everyone's the same, that's different. But a lot of the times it's a lower field in the relationship and a higher field in their friendships, and I would say more so, not as much, I wouldn't say like marriage probably, but definitely like boyfriend and girlfriend dating, all that type of stuff. Right, that's point one.
Speaker 1:OK, I'll dock it. I'm not going to cut you off because I have feelings Right right. But that's just me.
Speaker 2:I I'll dock it. I'm not going to cut you off because I have feelings, right, right, but that's just me. I'm not taking it from the same. I'm just playing the devil's advocate and I'm also. I think it's interesting, right? I don't think it's, I don't think it's right or wrong, I just think it's very interesting that that happened. Okay, um, the whole point of what she was talking about is not talking shit about your relationship to other people. I completely agree with you. Find people that are good people to talk to, that know both of you know who you're talking about. Like, if you're talking about your husband, they know your husband. I mean just trusted advisors, you know, instead of chambermamaids, trusted advisors that you can talk to. And I think her whole point was not talking outside of the relationship, right? Not talking shit outside of the relationship, got it? Which I kind of agree with. I mean, I think that, especially if you're not going to talk about it in the relationship, Right.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Then it goes to the point of her and Grant make up, which, to me, if it's like, if everything's good to go and you made up, then it's dropped, or it's like it's water under the bridge and we're going to move, we're going to either move past it or we're going to grow from this.
Speaker 3:Right.
Speaker 2:So in my mindset I'm thinking like, especially with like how me and you work and operate we are. We can overcome this again. There's a bridge that's got us to the other side. We just need to maybe cross that bridge again or talk about it.
Speaker 1:Mm-hmm.
Speaker 2:Immediately when she talks about how her friend brings it up and it sets her ablaze. It's interesting to me one because, like I said, we don't know the context, but it makes me think that's exactly what happens to her or it's like you said, she's justifying an entire group of people that that happens to. However I do, I can see, like I've seen in relationships that happening or hear about it happening, where it's like we're okay, the, the person goes to their friends and then it's right back at it when they get home it's like, wow, she's called it. That, to me, is not having the communication at the home that you didn't solve it. You didn't. There was no resolution and there was no. It's not even about resolution. There was no. It's not. There was no conversation. It might've been. What actually makes me think of it is it was a I'm sorry, you're forgiven done, Not a conversation. Conversation. It was the fact of like it was almost forgotten and then it gets brought back up.
Speaker 2:So to me it's like you didn't talk. You didn't talk to grant, you just were like okay, you know. Or it was like grant was like I'm sorry, you know, I, you know, not even like I shouldn't have done that, i'm'm sorry Over.
Speaker 1:Yeah, oh done. There's no resolution, it was just a bypass. It was a bypass, yeah.
Speaker 2:Which I don't agree with at all, like that it getting brought back up and then that setting you ablaze is like you haven't, then you haven't forgiven him and you haven't let him go.
Speaker 1:It just is, and or he hasn't fixed the things that need to be like. You haven't addressed the things that need to be addressed and he hasn't met the needs that are feeling unmet Right.
Speaker 2:But it's mainly the fact of like. If somebody else brings up if me and you had a tiff, you have a fuzzy in your beard.
Speaker 1:Come on, get the fuzzy.
Speaker 2:Got it. If me and you had a tiff, yeah Right, you told your friends, mm-hmm, friends, me and you came back and resolved it and then your friends told you about like hey, how's john doing with that tip and it set you ablaze. Is that tiff really resolved? No, so that's on you too, that's on that other person to be like. It's not.
Speaker 2:I get where the fact of like grant didn't do his due diligence and like actually resolving it or fixing whatever or doing whatever. But it's also like you're not over it, right, it's not done with you. That shit is still in that melting pot of like, of pity and sorrow and anger. It's like you haven't released that then. So if somebody else just acknowledges it and it explodes, you, I don't think no, it's not resolved. And that's half the reason why I don't think maybe people should tell certain people like about their relationship. Because it's like what if that person, what if your friends only want to bring it up and only want to talk shit and only want to see drama and only want to see down demise in your relationship? Like why would you? But that's to me it's like why is that your friend? Who? What fucking kind of friend do you want, then are you serious, so check your circle.
Speaker 2:That to me is like that to me is like where, okay, maybe you need to get new friends right, right Absolutely.
Speaker 1:Saw that.
Speaker 2:Look, this is what I just said. We just watched this. Can't take you anywhere, you mess, you, a mess, you, a mess, that's. I literally was like I don't wanna spill this.
Speaker 1:Just turn it like that, then you can't see it on the camera. Oh okay.
Speaker 2:Anyways, that's how I know that there's. You have feelings about certain things.
Speaker 1:I just think the analogy to me was interesting yes, the analogy to me is interesting and I'm actually going to challenge you on the feelings that you have around the relationships that you you agree that your relationship, you're we're going to use marriage because that was specifically the the topic, not even just relationship, but marriage, specifically your marriage should be on a pedestal maybe not a pedestal.
Speaker 2:Okay, I'm using the language you use, so okay. So if you, want to retract, that's okay too, as I bring it up if I say pedestal, I feel like explain what you think of pedestal when I say that a pedestal is they?
Speaker 1:the relationship itself is above the relationships that are in your life, friendships, specifically. Your marriage is above them. They take priority, they take precedence, they are held to a higher standard than the other people in your life. They are this thing To a degree, yeah.
Speaker 2:I do believe that Okay, okay.
Speaker 1:So I'm going to push back on that and say I disagree Not entirely, okay, not entirely. Okay, not entirely. But to some of it.
Speaker 2:What do you disagree to?
Speaker 1:I disagree to the fact that your relationship, your marriage should be held to a higher standard than your friends. I don't believe that.
Speaker 2:Why.
Speaker 1:Because any relationship that I have in my life are held to a high standard. They're held to a standard of honoring the relationships at hand. Okay, are held to a high standard. They're held to a standard of honoring the relationships at hand. They're held to the standard of being trusted, of being compassionate, of being kind, of being understanding, of showing care in situations, of being curious as opposed to judgmental, like I think about every single relationship that I have in my life. Those people I don't want them in my life. If they're going to cause destruction, I don't want them in my life. If I'm going to have to battle between the love that I have for you and the love that I have for them, I don't want to have to battle between knowing whether or not I can trust the people in my life or that they're going to show up for me, but do you remember?
Speaker 2:Yeah, absolutely, let me finish. Go ahead, go ahead.
Speaker 1:The standard that I have in my friendships is the standard that I have in relationships. Yeah, but the parameters of friendships are different than, obviously, our marriage. Right, and there is a priority that comes with being married, because you are the person that I live with.
Speaker 3:But that doesn't make our relationship better than my friendships.
Speaker 1:That doesn't mean that I put my relationship with you on a pedestal, opposed to my friendships, it's just different. So when in the beginning you were saying like I agree, like that, that analogy that she used about like the queen and the king and then her friends being chambermaids, yes, it's a different relationship. And I feel like the way that you responded to saying that you're like I agree with it. I agree that marriages, like the relationship, should be held to a higher standard, should be put on this pedestal. I just disagree with that.
Speaker 2:That's fine, but I also said I agree with it. If most people are putting their standards lower, I said I agree with it because she's putting it up, and I said it's better than being lower. That's what I compared it to Most people. Some people make it lower. It's the teeter-totter, is not like this, right, whereas you're talking about flat, and I also said that's also okay. Is that's better than lower? Right, the standards? That's what I was talking about, though. Right, the standards that some people have is they hold their friendships higher than their relationship? Yeah, I disagree with that. Sure, that's mainly more so. What I'm talking about than agreeing with my relationship is so much higher than my friendship. Yeah, the fact is, the whole thing of where I'm taking away is my standard is you should talk to your relationship partner than your friends. That's where it should be fixed, not there, absolutely.
Speaker 1:That's my point. Right, yeah, okay, so I hear you in which you're like I was just going by what you said, so I'm glad that you're clarifying.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and that's what I'm saying. Yeah, I don't think I don't agree with some people holding higher standards or believing their friends or talking to their friends or having conversations with their friends that they should be having with their partner. Absolutely, and that happens all the time, all the time. We've seen it in so many. Exactly. So that, to me, is having them at a higher standard than your partner. Okay, that's how I see it. So you're having conversations with your friends that you should be having with your partner, right, but you're I see it so you're having conversations with your friends that you should be having with your partner, but you're not having it with your partner and you're having it with your friends.
Speaker 1:Okay, so that that that is very different than what you initially said, how you believe.
Speaker 2:That's fine, but I'm telling you how I feel about it now.
Speaker 3:I like it. Thank you for the clarity. Thank you.
Speaker 2:So I don't think that. I don't think that's where I'm coming from. Cool, I like it, because I don't agree with at all most of the time that being flipped Exactly Because I see that a lot in relationships, absolutely that's the problem and I think that's what she was talking about Sure, sure. So that's why I say I'm playing devil's advocate. I don't think she chose the right words, but that's where she's coming from.
Speaker 1:Sure, yeah, agreed.
Speaker 2:And to me it is better. This, where your friends are like this, to me is worse than this. Okay, and we'll disagree. Having a playing field is great, having a level. Everyone should be at the same standard. I should be able, the same standard, I should be able to trust you. I should be able to trust you. That's, that's who you pick in your friendship, though.
Speaker 1:Yes, it's checking your circle, checking all of your relationships. That's on you, Right, I would. This is this is my pushback is I don't believe that initial concept that you said. Initial thing that you said, I agree and I hear you in the clarity that you're giving me now where it is harmful to the relationship, if your friends are held on a pedestal and your relationship is stuck in the dirt.
Speaker 3:That's not fair, right, absolutely.
Speaker 1:That's much better. Yeah, I totally agree with that. What I the, the perspective that I sit in, is all of my relationships are held to a high standard. Exactly the way in which I prioritize them is different, because they provide different things.
Speaker 2:Maybe I heard you. Yes, yes, absolutely. I hear that, so that's just like the sum of it up.
Speaker 1:And we have lots of friends who like sit inside of just offlining and offboarding all of the things that they're sitting inside of with their relationship onto other people and never bringing it to their partner. Yes, and you and I that right, hundred percent right, and I think so. That analogy in the beginning, but do?
Speaker 2:I think that they're like oh, you know, you guys are so much higher than we are oh, excuse me my leash like, no, I don't think that. Right, yeah, but you are my queen. Yeah, I'll be the king, wow, but it's not as if we are above other people. I don't agree with that.
Speaker 1:Bring the communication home.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Resolve at home.
Speaker 2:Right, but actually resolve.
Speaker 1:Resolve, don't bypass. Work through the things Right. Find ways to actually have your needs being met. If your partner is talking shit to you, check them instead of bound you. You're not allowed to talk to me like that, that's not okay. And set a boundary. You're not allowed to talk to me like that, that's not okay. If they're not meeting a need for you, hey, this need is going unmet, and this is what I desire from you. This is how it makes me feel loved and cared.
Speaker 2:I feel like I hear from other men that are like I didn't even do anything. I literally just you know, let's golf, for example. I just was like I'm going to go play golf and now it's this explosion of like, so I have to stay behind and do whatever. Where the fuck did that come from? You know what I mean. So that's where it's like it didn't, it wasn't resolved here. It got simmered up like a flame, like an ember, and now it's exploding like a fucking volcano all over again. So to me it's like it could have all been stopped here yeah.
Speaker 2:And then, if it brings back up an ember, you can extinguish that in the beginning, because it's like no, we fixed that, we resolved that. I don't want to use the word fixed, we talked about it. It's better, we're working on it. That's the key one. We're working on it Absolutely.
Speaker 2:Why is it so hard to be like we're working on it In a relationship, you're already working at it in general. We're working on it in a relationship, you're already working at it in general. So it's so hard for us to say like to our friends too, oh, it's something that we're working at. But it's easy for us to say, um, we're working on having kids. You love saying that. People love saying that I'm sorry, I'm just now, I'm going on a rabbit hole. But it's hard for us to say we're working on on our relationship. We're talking, we're struggling, but we're hole. But it's hard for us to say we're working on our relationship. We're talking, we're struggling, but we're working at it. That's hard. Yeah, you know, I'm going to ask you the same exact question. Yeah, and I want you to give me your answer.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:Do you talk to your friends about your relationship?
Speaker 1:Absolutely, absolutely, done, yeah, absolutely, absolutely. Die Absolutely.
Speaker 2:Isn't that what he asked? That's what he asked, right.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. I talked to my friends about my relationship. Now, in what context are you asking me about?
Speaker 2:Okay, let's do that. Okay, yeah, thanks, babe. I want you to reframe what she said Okay, and how you would say it.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:So Like take what she said, but you reframe it and move it to how it and bend it to what you would have liked to hear.
Speaker 1:What I would have liked to hear. I like that. So, in regards to talking about my relationship struggles or my partner with my friends.
Speaker 1:I would be mindful of the language that I use around. I don't think it's an issue to talk to your friends around the frustrations that you're dealing with inside of your relationship. It can actually be extremely helpful to allow that nourishment, to allow that safety of being held inside of a container where people in your life who know who you are and know the relationship and regardless of their relationship structure, can show up and have shown up in relationship with you to where they understand that relationships are nuanced and there's so many things at play. And even if they don't know the other side of the relationship, at least you have people in your life who understand who you are as a person and who your partner is as a person and they can use their own discernment and they have enough wherewithal to recognize that it's not just one-sided. But what they're doing as a friendship for you and sitting aside for that conflict is holding the space for you to share how you feel, because feelings are valid. Even if the situation isn't handled well, feelings are still valid. So I would say pick your circle well. Two, don't have people in your life who are going to want to stoke the flame that you were talking about, who actually truly want to show up for you and actually want you to heal, who offer you guidance and say, hey, talk to your partner about this. Who hold you to. The standard of this is not. If you're using language that feels harsh, they can check you and say, hey, that's not how you talk about John, I understand you're mad but like there's still a level of respect in your marriage and also for me, like or for anybody going and talking to people about their marriage, their friends, I'm going to use those languages their friends, about their marriage. Be intentional about the language that you use. Recognize that if you're going to share intimate details about the relationship that you share it with people that you trust and you use language that is still respectful of the relationship that you're in, recognize that in that moment you have to make a decision on how you are going to allow your husband to look or your partner to look in the eyes of other people. And is that the reputation that you also want to build around how you speak about your relationship and your partner? And is that the reputation that you also want to build around how you speak about your relationship and your partner? It says so much more about who you are as a person and who you are as a partner than actually does about them and the way that you speak about them to people outside of them.
Speaker 1:I would say, if you're gonna go into a conversation with other people about an issue within your marriage, go to the person in your marriage and resolve it. Then ask for what you want, ask for what your needs to, ask for your needs to be met. Ask for them to stop using certain language or acting or behaving in a certain way. Tell them, ask them to show up for you in a way that makes you feel loved and cared. If you're running into issues around the way that they speak to you, set a boundary. You're not allowed to speak to me like that. If you're running into issues around the needs not being met, have a conversation about the needs you'd like to be met.
Speaker 1:If there are certain things going on in the relationship where it's like for you and I, let's just use golf, for example, or hanging out with people outside of us. If I'm feeling like our intimacy is waning and all you want to do is go play golf or hang out with your friends, I'm going to say, hey, babe, going to golf. Going to hang out with your friends and going to play golf makes me feel left out. I want to spend more time with you. How can we do that while not keeping you away from the things that you enjoy? Have these conversations. Start the dialogue.
Speaker 2:We can go play golf. I'm just kidding, sorry.
Speaker 1:Maybe invite me into it. How?
Speaker 2:do you know that I don't want to do it Right?
Speaker 1:Right, Like it's being able to come to the person that you're having the issues with and resolve it within. That's not to say that you can't have safety and relationships and confidence and trusted people who you go to to share how you're feeling, Because sometimes what that does is it eases, it lessens a flame If I'm so irritated. But I need something to offline, to, depending on how you navigate, like nourishing yourself or nurturing yourself. When you're in moments of activation like that, going to people that who know you and who love you and who trust you and your circle of people that you actually have standards for, you would say this is what I'm dealing with. They can help you see it from different perspective.
Speaker 1:It's not saying that you need to go to people in your life and just shit talk your husband and even if that's something that you do, knowing that the people that you're going to know why you're going to them and can recognize that this is Brie having a moment, I know her and Johnny, I know the relationship. Let me sit in my feelings.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And then encourage me to go back and have a conversation with you, because that's where it matters.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:That's what I would say. That was good. Yeah, I like it. Yeah, that was like a little bit more aggressive too. Maybe you shouldn't have gotten.
Speaker 2:Well it, yeah, that was like a little bit more aggressive too.
Speaker 1:Maybe shouldn't have gotten. Well, it's okay.
Speaker 2:I think it's. I think it's passionate. That's what I was about to say, I think, and that's too like where I think a lot of people like she could have just been passionate.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:She seemed like aggression but, we also don't know her, so but yeah, you got passionate, I did.
Speaker 1:Which is okay. I like that. Yeah, it's a good reframe. Yeah, we love a solid reframe. Solid reframe, yeah. And if you are somebody who does not have sorry, I'm not done. And if you're somebody who doesn't have the emotional agility yet to be able to watch their tongue when they speak to people about their relationship, take that energy journal about it. Talk to yourself about it in a voice note.
Speaker 1:Yeah, say all the shit you want to say about your partner to a voice memo or go for a walk for you go for a walk, get your body moving, get it out of your system so it doesn't get stuck, so that the next time he says, hey, I think I'm gonna go play golf today, you don't literally want to chop his balls off, damn like god, my man just wants to play golf exactly.
Speaker 1:You want to chop his balls, but you know like the sentiment of that I hear that like because you see red right because the sentiment of going to play golf is neglecting priorities at home, not wanting to be intimate with me, like picking other people over, like there's so many things. Why is he giving so much attention to that? And there could be like there's so many things involved with what going to play golf means. And if you're somebody who does not have it doesn't mean anything.
Speaker 2:It just means going to play golf.
Speaker 1:It just means going to play golf for you, right, like it's simple, truly.
Speaker 2:You trying to get me riled up. The analogy, though I was thinking is so great.
Speaker 1:You want me to take your nose? I'm going to take your nose right away. You mess, oh, man but.
Speaker 2:Yes, I hear you Absolutely. Go on, get it out. Get it out, go for a walk.
Speaker 1:If you don't have people in your life who, if you have only like stokers in your life, yeah, people who only hold you at your worst or like only want to see you in your worst. Yeah, people who only want to gossip and complain and trauma, bond and talk shit and off board all the things with you. Check your circle, check yourself, yeah. How can you find better relationships?
Speaker 2:Because if that's, all you do is talk shit yeah you know, as a husband.
Speaker 1:When you hear other husbands talking shit about their wives, how does it make you feel it's?
Speaker 2:just kind of to me is gross. Yeah, it's okay, but it's also like clearly they don't, they don't, they don't talk, yeah, they don't have conversation. Yeah, I mean just, you know, thankfully I don't have very, I really don't have a lot of people that talk shit about their relationship in my life, which I I appreciate, but I also that's another thing is like I don't. I don't ever talk to people about me. And you, I come to you, yeah, you know, or if I do talk to people, it's people that it's very rare people. Yeah, like there's probably it's definitely I could probably less than a handful. Yeah, and you probably, you know exactly who they are. It's like it's rare and they know us right, yeah, and they, and I know for a fact they can see and they know you both sides, yeah, exactly. So I mean, to me it's like and sometimes I think it's also great, because I do have people that are like bro, really I think you're in the wrong for that or like what, what about?
Speaker 2:why do you think you're right? Yeah, I love that, the questioning of like you know, but it's also like not not taking it me and like you're not on my side. It's like, no, you're right, I didn't even see that, um, and because I try to do that with people that do talk shit or do talk about their, I try to see it from the other side then, because you're only giving me one side. Well, what about that? What about that?
Speaker 1:maybe they feel that way and this is a beautiful lesson and also having standards for the relationships in your life yeah, friendships in your life, that's true, absolutely yeah so, yeah, well, that's it coffee in the morning.