Mating and Relating

How Religion, Trauma, and Bipolar Disorder Shaped My Sexuality with Brittney Smith

• Brianna Endrina • Season 1 • Episode 7

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Ask Bri! Got a question? Send it over and listen out for a response during the following episode!

Brittany Smith shares her journey from religious sexual repression to self-acceptance and healthy relationships, offering powerful insights on reclaiming pleasure after trauma.

• Growing up in a Texas church where sexuality was only discussed within marriage context
• Writing love letters to future spouses at age 12 with no actual sex education 
• Experiencing sexual trauma from a church authority figure with nowhere to turn
• Feeling shame and confusion from mixed messages about sexuality
• Living with bipolar disorder and its impact on sexual expression
• Discovering self-pleasure for the first time in her thirties
• Finding healing through a supportive marriage that prioritizes mutual pleasure
• Learning to trust herself and her desires after years of conditioning
• Building confidence to initiate and communicate sexual needs
• Embracing sexuality as an integrated part of identity rather than something compartmentalized

If you're struggling with any of the topics discussed in today's episode, there are resources below to help you get support. Sometimes the first step is simply saying things out loud in a safe container.

RESOURCES

The National Domestic Violence Hotline
https://www.thehotline.org/

The National Sexual Assault Telephone Hotline

https://rainn.org/about-national-sexual-assault-telephone-hotline

National Sexual Violence Resource Center (NSVRC)

https://www.nsvrc.org/sarts/toolkit/6-4

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Get In Touch With Brittney! 

IG @BrittneyBenavidezSmith

Website: OneInAMelody.com

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Stay sexy, Stay curious,

Love, Bri

Speaker 1:

This week I'm joined by Brittany Smith. She is an Austin-based and very talented pianist, music teacher and composer. I met Brittany through our coach and mentor, vasavi Kumar, and she has become a friend and inspiration for just showing up authentically and in progress. I just believe the way she shows up on social media and in her business and in her life and in her connections is really, really refreshing to witness and to get to be a part of. And if you do already follow her and you do know her, you know exactly what I mean.

Speaker 1:

And in Britney fashion, she reached out to me after the podcast launched and pretty much pitched herself for an episode and I was wholeheartedly here for it and I'm just so grateful to get her perspective on mating and relating.

Speaker 1:

So in our convo today we dive into her conditioning around sex, the hypocrisies of her upbringing, her experiences with really harmful relationships, a diagnosis that she has come to accept and the way that it has shaped her sexuality and also how her eroticism has bloomed through self-acceptance and the safety of a healthy marriage. So I'm so thankful for her transparency, her vulnerability and courage to come on the podcast and share herself with all of us and, just as a disclaimer, in this episode we do have explicit language and we discuss topics that are triggering and or activating, such as sexual assault, domestic violence, religion and bipolar disorder. So please listen at your discretion. Brittany, thank you so much for being here and to everybody listening, thank you so much. What I really loved, when you actually sent over the message. You were like I'm coming from the perspective of someone who was raised in a religious background and told that sexuality was only for the bounds of marriage. Share more about that experience, or how was sex talked about growing up?

Speaker 2:

So I would say sex wasn't so much talked about. It was more just like marriage is all that there is and that you're hoping for. So I went to a church here in Texas where every Valentine's day, as middle schoolers we were asked to write love letters to our future spouse about how we are saving ourselves for marriage and how we're dreaming about you and planning for our future. At 12 years old and like we're not really given the discussion of what is sex, what is intimacy, that marriage is this bubble in the future and we're going to journal about it and pray about it and all the things about it, with little to no information on what that actually meant and what that kind of commitment even really asked for.

Speaker 1:

I will say there's resonance there. From my perspective, I did not grow up in a super religious household. God was talked about, god was encouraged. I was one of those kids that always wanted to have a relationship with God, and I didn't know what that looked like because I wasn't baptized. My parents disagreed on us getting baptized. My mom was very much of the mindset let them decide and my dad was baptized. Catholic sex isn't talked about, and if it is talked about, it's talked about and about the way that you explained how there's this linear path. It is very often under the confines of marriage. Anything outside of that is blasphemous. It's a sin, it's a procreation. There's no conversation around pleasure. So then, what are some of the tactics used that reinforced these kind of beliefs in this kind of conversation in the household?

Speaker 2:

So the household is separate from church, honestly, because I would say in church I was way more connected with others who are maybe like-minded. You know, a lot of my friends had boyfriends and girlfriends and so we had that relationship thing kind of going in middle school and high school, but in the home, like that wasn't even talked about at all it's. But every one time like somehow I got my hands on some like naughty reading and I had it by my bedside and it wasn't until someone else, an adult, pointed it out, like oh, no, that's wrong, you shouldn't be doing that. But I was like, oh, and then start questioning myself and my thoughts and what felt good to me. Um, so my household was almost like more exclusive of like let's not talk about sex anything than the church was. The church at least maybe sponsored relationships to an extent was it dismissed?

Speaker 1:

was it demeaned it? How would you describe that?

Speaker 2:

I think dismissed is is a very good word to describe it. It was just like oh, if the topic comes up, nope, we're not talking about that. The more you repress the feelings of wanting to express yourself like, the more they were sought out in not the best ways. Right, I'm told not to do something. What's the first thing you want to do, right?

Speaker 1:

So I mean, I totally get that a hundred percent, and I think too, we lack comprehensive sexual education in our education system at large, and a part of comprehensive sexual education is the aspect of pleasure. It's not just the anatomy, it's not just pleasure from a male perspective, it's not just from a heteronormative lens either. It's not just about the sex starts and begins with the penis and it's simply for procreation. And I think that we do a great job at fear mongering. We do a great job, and I would imagine that it would be even heavier inside of a Christian school.

Speaker 2:

I think, like I said earlier, the more you tell someone they cannot do something, the more that they want to seek it out in their own ways. Whatever that be healthy, not, you know, dangerous. And I remember I ended up breaking up with that same guy, that first boyfriend, because I put my head in his lap one time and I could feel something and I was like, oh my God, that's so bad, I can't be doing this, we have to break up, that's the end of it. And I don't know how I exactly communicated that, but I just knew for me I was doing something so internally wrong that I needed it out of that situation.

Speaker 1:

I mean, I again I understand. It's like somebody tells you don't do something right, they want to slap you on your wrist. It makes you want to do it more, and I think that's just our inherent curiosity about who we are, as, like the animal side of us, the very primal side of us, that seeks out the pleasure, that seeks out the things that feel good. And isn't it interesting that all the things that feel good, and isn't it interesting that all the things that seemingly feel good for us are not right? Right, and but who says it? Who's saying that it's not right? Well, in this context, church, church, yeah, well.

Speaker 1:

And so I think too, when you have such an heavy imprinting around what it means to be sexual, what it means to be a good person, a righteous person, a holy person, that changes the fabric of the way that you maneuver around your pleasure, around your relationships, around your sexuality. It does inherently lock in this ideology that if you do anything outside of the bounds of what religion, this religion says or the church says, it's inherently wrong. And when we grow up in a society, in a family, in a church that says you exploring your sexuality even in the infancy of it, not in the way that it is sexualized by society. If you're constantly told that it's wrong, your view from that point on especially coming from people that are supposed to love you, that you feel like, love you and want the best for you, it's going to inherently say like this is how you're supposed to do life. And if you don't do life this way, if you don't do love, relationship, sex this way, then you're wrong.

Speaker 1:

And if you're wrong then it's not acceptable. And then you're kicked out. And like. That metaphor of getting kicked out can go far beyond just actually getting kicked out. It's like getting shunned and at the end of the day, we want to be seen, accepted, heard, loved, cared for, invited in. And so when we follow the impulses of something that's so natural, like sex, and then we get kicked out for it, for being curious and exploratory, how are you supposed to maneuver on forward? How are you supposed to then have healthy relationships, right like, and the worst part was you're.

Speaker 1:

You're told how not to do it, but given no example of what the right way is a hundred percent, because I would even agree that the church doesn't talk about it, because it's also still very uncomfortable, because there's not the education around it, and there can't be education if we don't allow the conversation. And so these conversations are super important, because then we get to see how the conditioning changes the way that we grow up in our sexual esteem and our relational confidence. So, with all of that background for you, how has that affected your sexual esteem and your relational competence?

Speaker 2:

So I didn't experience a healthy sexual relationship with myself or anyone else until my marriage. I got married in 2020. But I was definitely sexually active from 19 until you know 30 when I met my husband, and none of that was healthy. It all came from a place of lack. It all came from a place of not being educated, not feeling confident in the choices that I could make, that I could communicate, and it came from a place of the man is in charge. The man is in power. You do what the man wants and I got hurt. A place of the man is in charge, the man is in power. You do what the man wants, and I got hurt a lot by that.

Speaker 1:

And you did mention that you had experiences of DV inside of your relationships. As opposed to maybe asking like a specific question about that, share more of what you feel would be relevant in shaping the way that you understood sex and relationships, to how those relationships kind of started. Is there?

Speaker 2:

anything that stuck out for you. My first um sexual encounter, I guess, was with somebody who was of a higher up position in the church. I looked up to this person. Um, thought they were super cool. It was great that they were giving me attention.

Speaker 2:

Um, this person was engaged at the time but invited me over and we ended up in his bed and things happened that I wish hadn't and I felt like I didn't have a say in the matter, because this was a church authority who I looked up to and, you know, maybe at that point almost worshiped. He was in the music field and so I, as an aspiring musician church musician at the time was like oh my God, there's no one's been to come over this and that Like there wasn't that big of an age difference. So like I was just infatuated with the idea of someone wanting me and all of me, whatever that looked like. And when I left I was like what the fuck just happened? And I was no longer like starry eyed and bushy tailed, but I was like hmm, that wasn't right, but I didn't have the words to explain it. I didn't have the person to tell about it.

Speaker 2:

I was very isolated at that point. Um, didn't have really close friends or family that I could speak to, and so it. I was very isolated at that point, didn't have really close friends or family that I could speak to, and so it wasn't until years later that I kind of realized what actually happened, and it upset me like more than I could express in words. But in the moment I was just kind of like oh okay, that happened Because I didn't have the language or the experience or anything to compare to to what was going on right, first of all, I'm so sorry.

Speaker 1:

I think you sharing that is helpful to the communities of people who have experienced similar things, and it goes to show the hypocrisy inside of the church. Right, we can't talk about sex, or sex is talked about in a very specific way. Relationships are talked about in a very specific way, where there's honor and integrity. And then you have these situations where people take advantage of other people because of status, because they can, because people can do really shitty things and get away with it, when there are not systems in place that actually are in favor of helping people, educate and keeping people safe inside of these establishments. Right, like, how crazy is it? You had nobody to turn to in those situations? You couldn't talk about it at home because it would be dismissed.

Speaker 1:

Right, you couldn't talk about it at the church because of fear of being, you know, outcast or being told you're a liar, which is what happens with a lot of people, because how could this person of such esteem do this thing? Of course they wouldn't. They're loved, they're, like you said, basically worshiped. How would this person of God do this very unholy thing? And so you're stuck in a space of then being this Jezebel, being somebody who is unholy, dismissed and told that they're a liar, and then having to sit with the shame of one not having anybody to turn to for something really horrendous, and then two inside of an establishment that wouldn't fucking believe you anyways. That is very, very correct. You're also then conditioned it's so narcissistic. Then you're also conditioned into believing like, well, it's your fault, it's your fault, you should have known better. That's so infuriating, it's so infuriating. So then, okay, so that was a horrible and a first experience, which then again has lasting effects. And we already know too, which then again has lasting effects.

Speaker 1:

And we already know too we tend to seek out partners and relationships that mimic what we believe to be true for ourselves, or what we've been witness to, or what we've been conditioned to believe that we are worthy of inside of relationships and so then, when you grow up in the church in this way and you don't have a support from family in this very specific situation because I don't want to talk about your family as if, like, they're never supported but in this situation, right, because obviously it's all nuanced, because there's reasons why they didn't talk about it and we have to hold space for the humanness in that right. So you didn't have the support there, you didn't have the support here. Then you had a really the support here. Then you had a really shitty situation happen and then it was a first experience. Tell me more about how then that affected following relationships and your sexuality.

Speaker 2:

So I think, kind of like you were saying, I kind of sought out things that mimicked what I had already experienced, because I'm like all right, this must be it, this just must be how sex goes right.

Speaker 2:

Um, so everything, not everything, but I had a lot of like physically painful experiences because I was just uneducated and I was like all right, this just must be. Like sex always hurts, you know, they always say, oh, it hurts the first time or whatever, but like no, like there was never any pleasure on my side of it, and this would be whether I was in relationship or whether it was a casual thing. I just sought out like the worst men, like honestly, and I just I don't know how I kept getting in this habit, in this pattern. It's a miracle that I found Josh, my husband, the way that I did and when I did, he's been kind of like the person to show me how things can be different, how things can be better, because the time up leading until then, I just always felt taken advantage of, but always lacking the language to express that. That's where I was coming from.

Speaker 1:

Right. So then, meeting Josh and having the experience of somebody who was patient and kind and understanding and communicative and actually, like, cared about your pleasure, what did that do for your body? What did? How did that feel for you initially? Do you remember?

Speaker 2:

I still. I still treated my body, I still treated my mind as like subservient to others, like as ugly as that word is, but like that, that is the mindset that I had, like kind of conditioned myself to the point where, like, finally here, josh and I have been married five years now. We've known each other almost 10. Like we are now in a place where we can equally communicate needs and wants and desires and I never thought that that would be a part of my conversation. I didn't know that existed and I'm so thankful for a man who sees me, has the patience, and that we can have that dialogue. So it's not a one-sided thing.

Speaker 1:

I think that's such a beautiful experience to have when you have somebody who maybe is healthy for you or who nourishes you in the parts where you were so unwatered, and it makes you realize like you can thrive in these spaces, even with the terrible experiences that you can have, even with the type of like conditioning that brought you to certain spaces or that affected the self-esteem or the worthiness around what it meant to feel pleasure and have healthy relationships where you weren't burdened to show up in a way that mimicked the hard experiences but that helped you thrive in these new beautiful experiences. So I think it's just a testament to you being open to those experiences, because oftentimes people can shut those out and push them away because that's not what I know. I'm not worthy of that, this is not how I've been taught to believe that love and relationships and pleasure and sex can be, and so for you to invite that in I celebrate that and for you to have met somebody who can show you different is also really beautiful. So I celebrate you and all those things.

Speaker 2:

Thank you so much. It's a good place to be.

Speaker 1:

Yeah. So if there was something that you could share about the relationships where there were DV, or maybe even if you're talking to your younger self like what's something you would say, so I feel like this is a hard one.

Speaker 2:

it's simple but not easy, and it's just to bear your experience out loud.

Speaker 2:

Um, because there's so many things that I experienced. So I was married before Josh once before and it was not a good situation and there were things that would happen in in our relationship that again I just didn't have community. I didn't have an outlet to say you know what was going on in the relationship. But once I was out of that and able to speak what was happening out loud, just like hearing myself say, I was like that was not right, that that totally should not have happened, but in the confines of a you know DV relationship where I'm just with the one person and he's my only outlet, like it's just a revolving circle, like nothing was going to change, nothing was ever going to happen. And so my biggest piece of advice would be say something out loud to someone outside of your situation, because somebody else will hear that and give you the validation that hey, that's not right. You know you shouldn't have to go through this. And if you're not speaking it, then it's just staying in the confines of that unhealthy relationship, not going anywhere.

Speaker 1:

It is really important and please tell me if you disagree or not with this. Is that where you agree or disagree with this, is that it is the fear that you won't be taken seriously, or the fear of the repercussion of why you don't speak out, because you're like no one's going to believe you If you do this.

Speaker 1:

We're over Right Cause there's also still. I think, that the thing that people don't recognize is that there's still this belief of love inside of those relationships. It's not like some. It's like you get into a relationship and somebody is just being violent with you. Nobody would nobody would get into that relationship, no matter what conditioning you have, no matter what your self-worthiness is. You don't get into a relationship with somebody who is violent off the bat. That's not how it starts, and so I think the hardest part is like feeling safe to speak about it outside, like you're not betraying the relationship, you're not dishonoring the love that's there, right, or that person who's clearly a piece of shit.

Speaker 2:

And you're almost validating yourself by having the courage to say out loud, because you're saying this is happening and by vocalizing it you are validating yourself and it's so powerful.

Speaker 1:

It's such a powerful tool for being seen and for validating outside of somebody else, but just validating it for yourself. We hold so much of that shit in, and sexuality in itself is such a repressed and suppressed energy that even just speaking about the desire, speaking about the discomfort, speaking about the pain and the heartache and the terrible situations, is a beautiful step towards more expansion and more expansiveness. And did you talk about this prior to anybody, prior to meeting Josh?

Speaker 2:

I want to say no. My memories of that time are a little shady. I also live with bipolar disorder and when I experienced mania or depressive episodes, memory is highly impacted. So I remember telling Josh, but before then I don't remember sharing too much.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, has being with Josh, and like the container of that relationship, changed the way that you view your sexuality and your expression?

Speaker 2:

experience all of my feelings exactly how I want to feel them. I don't have to hide, pretend, you know, lie.

Speaker 1:

I can just feel what I'm feeling and I have never had that safety until I was in this relationship With living with bipolar disorder. Was that something that also affected the way you showed up inside of relationship, outside of sexuality but just in relationship in general?

Speaker 2:

oh, absolutely. Um, thankfully, I have been on medications for like the last 20 years that keep me stable. For the most part, um, but in the times when I am not stable, if I'm experiencing a high or a low, I I am a different person, like I have lost many friendships because of manic episodes, because of things that I say and do that are just not me. I had bipolar one, which is experiencing more of the mania, so I don't experience too much of the depression, but I did experience one where, again, I felt completely isolated. I had no friends. I literally just went to work, came home and just like, laid on the bed and did nothing for hours until I had to go to work again, and it was like this constant cycle of just like barely existing, and at that point I don't even think that I had the capability to show up in a relationship, whether that be, you know, romantic or friendship or otherwise. So this health condition has definitely impacted how I show up with others.

Speaker 1:

Do the effects extend to how you show up for yourself and your body, and your pleasure and your sexuality?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I don't know if you knew this about bipolar disorder, but one of the side effects of mania is hypersexuality. Did you know that? I did not know that. So when I'm experiencing a manic episode, sometimes it's just like this constant need to be aroused, either on my own or with somebody else, and I have definitely sought out some not healthy situations to deal with that. It's kind of a scary thing even to just say the word yeah, side effects is I want to have sex all the time. It's just a symptom, don't worry about it, it's cool, no biggie Somebody's like. Can you prescribe me that you have to believe there's a God that has a humor? If that is a symptom of a mental disorder, a hundred percent. When I'm in any kind of episode, I try to just stay at home. That is the safest place for me. Um, I guess it can still be dangerous. On spending money, because spending lots of money is also a symptom of of mania. Um, I think the fun ones all right yeah, this sounds like a thrill.

Speaker 2:

Wow, okay, but the fallout sucks Once you're on the highest level and you crash no way. So it has affected how I show up for myself, like in my self-pleasure and whatnot. Um, well, when I'm in a stable mind, mindful space, um, you know, I still think it's important to seek out those self-pleasure sometimes. I think I told you this, I was like I was going to take a nap. Nap is quote for something else. Yeah, heck, yeah, you take all the naps you want?

Speaker 1:

Okay, yeah, well, that I mean, that's interesting. I had no idea. I have people in my life who have bipolar, and it's not a conversation that we have often and I think too it's there's from my perspective of just witnessing. There is a shame in speaking about it, there is a discomfort in sharing the diagnosis. I think in our society as a whole, we think that any sort of differentiation and brain makeup is a disability, is something that's going to keep people from being able to function normally in society.

Speaker 2:

um, and we always want to fix, fix, fix, fix, fix, yeah I was just gonna say there's a comfort in someone sharing with someone else when you know that they're going to resonate or reciprocate or have any sort of commonality. So for someone with you know a different way of mind thinking is going to share something they're thinking with the expectation that the other person will not resonate, will not reciprocate Like there's a very big vulnerability in that because the other person may not understand. I can't go up to everybody and be like hey, remember that time when you really feel like you wanted to have sex with everybody and buy a new car? I did buy a new car on a manic episode once Like people don't understand that. And there is such a vulnerability in sharing if it's not going to be understood.

Speaker 1:

Absolutely, and I think too, it goes back to this like leaning into just the curiosity around our humanness. I know we're like, I know we're talking about our sexuality and our pleasure and our relationships, but really at the core of it, it's about connection and acceptance. We want to, as people, feel heard and witnessed and understood and validated and accepted and loved for all of who we are, including the parts of us that feel hard for society, which are diseases and diagnosis and sexuality. It's like we can clump all of these things, or differentiation, in relational style. Like we can clump all of these things into like we're just gonna push that into the hush box and into the closet and To make everyone else comfortable. Right, to make everybody else comfortable, and it's these types of conversations when we normalize it closet and to make everyone else comfortable.

Speaker 1:

Right, to make everybody else comfortable, and it's these types of conversations when we normalize it, we can start to refine the way that society thinks about it and make people feel less alone, because the more we can talk about it out loud, where there's curiosity instead of judgment, where people lean in because they want to understand, versus stay outside or above the fray because it makes them uncomfortable or they dismiss it or they judge it because of x, y and z, and weirdly I have compassion for those people too, because I'm like there is. There is such a discomfort in your own ignorances that you won't even allow yourself to expand and to lean in and to be curious about something that you don't understand because it feels safer for you, and so when we talk about all of these things, the safety is a huge aspect of it.

Speaker 1:

I think, the safety can be the through line for a lot of the things that you and I talked about in this call already, um is the safety to experience healthy relationship, to experience sexual self-expression, to say the things that are for lack of better terms like wrong with people in society or things that need to be fixed, like there's a safety in just being able to express it and have the conversation and be witnessed in it. So then people can go oh, we're just fucking human, we're literally just fucking human. Okay, so you talked about enjoying self-pleasure for the first time in your 30s. Say more no.

Speaker 2:

so, you know again, growing up in a house that didn't talk about sex, growing up in a church that said sex was best for marriage, like to please a man to have babies yep, self-pleasure didn't ever, ever come up as a discussion like.

Speaker 2:

And you know, I I don't know if I had that high of a sex drive.

Speaker 2:

I think the relationships and kinds of things that I did were more out of, like I said, a longing for connection more than self-satisfying in any way. And so a couple years ago, I was kind of in a hypomanic which is like before you fall off a psychotic train over here, in a hypomanic which is like before you fall off a psychotic train over here, in a hypomanic phase, and all I could think about was just feeling good. And how can I make myself feel good, whatever that be, whether it be through money, whether it be through sex, whether it be through food, where sometimes one of the things that I do is I work out a lot and I end up losing a lot of weight and mania, because all I care about is doing my best and feeling good. And I had seen an ad for this vibrator come on on my Instagram and I was like I think I need this, and so that was my first time making a purchase like that, and my life has been changed ever, since.

Speaker 1:

It's not an uncommon conversation, at least for me, to have, where women in later in, later in life, in this mid part of our life, go.

Speaker 1:

I'm actually now experiencing pleasure. I actually know what an orgasm feels like. I actually understand that my anatomy is not what I was taught, and I think with more conversations that are happening and more awareness around what what sexuality actually is from a comprehensive lens which includes pleasure, people are more willing to take their pleasure into their own hands. They're more willing to lean into the curiosity of being like oh, I have this inclination that I desire more or different or better or whatever, and I'm going to do it, and so I think it's important that we start to build this like inner ecology of trust, to go and prioritize our pleasure, to do the things that actually highlight what feels good for you being inside of a marriage, being inside of a situation where a lot of society says like that's for the two of you together, not for you solo. And um, how, how is the change in pleasure for you and experiencing pleasure in your thirties, the way that you have been, um, change the relationship between you and Josh or just your confidence sexually?

Speaker 2:

So I think confidence is the key word there, because I am now much more confident in myself. I used to always wait for Josh to initiate. It used to be whenever he's ready, when he he wants. I'm like I have the same exact power. I have the same exact desires, like. So now, like I can have fun with this I can be flirty, you know, I can initiate things and that that confidence feels really good. I'm trying to kind of exude that in every area of my life, with my friendships and my business. But with Josh it's super fun because we've known each other almost 10 years but like I still feel like we're just getting to know each other and we have so many more life experiences to unfold and it's just super exciting.

Speaker 1:

I love that and I would agree with you.

Speaker 1:

There's so much life and we.

Speaker 1:

I was reading a chart, a study, and maybe I'll post it in the links for this episode, but it talked about the longevity of relationships in your life and who you spend the most time with to who you spend the least time with from the start of your life to the end of your life assuming that you're going to have a really long lived life, and by the start of it you spend it mostly with your family and by the end of it you spend it mostly with yourself. But the one that's more consistent is the relationship with the person you choose to do life with, Whether it's a platonic relationship, a romantic relationship, a life partner, a spouse, whatever, it's the person that you choose to do life with. And so somebody, Josh, being able to experience the parts of you that were once not comfortable, had terrible situations with, to now expanding and blooming into this confidence, I'm sure it has really beautiful effects on the relationship, Not just not just the sexual relationship, but like the relationship as a whole, and I do agree with that, absolutely Like this.

Speaker 2:

This past week we had a new experience and that was puppy yoga, our entire relationship. Josh has talked about this dream of rolling in puppies and another ad comes down my Instagram feed for puppy yoga here in Austin. I was like, yes, we are doing this. And so we rolled around with a bunch of Frenchies this past weekend and he was so, and then he also did yoga, which he doesn't typically do yoga. So I got to experience him experiencing that and that was fantastic. So there was a little bit of yoga involved in the class. But my favorite thing is just having new experiences with him because, yeah, we can, you know, have our dinner and our movie that we do every night, whatever, but like when we go out and do something new and we are creating like core memories around something like that that is almost more invigorating than our sexual life, like, honestly, I would rather do puppy yoga like every day on that level. So you know that like that, that's what brings me true joy and seeing the growth in our, in our relationship.

Speaker 1:

Because when you're hanging out with your spouse and you're flirting with them or you're doing something that you enjoy together, you're learning something new, you get to witness them in a different way. That also helps the attraction and the attention and the desire to want to be with them, and I think it's a really beautiful thing when we can infuse those feelings, when we can infuse that type of energy into our life. And again, it's not just a sexual act. So what does pleasure look like for you now?

Speaker 2:

So number one, it is, like I said, initiating sex with Josh, so that, like when I, when I am turned on, I'm not just waiting for him to like be ready, you're like engaging, I'm finding out. You know, I found out recently that he really enjoys foreplay and I didn't know that and I'm like, oh, this is so nice. If this is what I have to do, I can do this. Um also want to tell you I really appreciate how you've showed up and how I've gotten to know you in the last six months, and just what you do and who you are as a person has been beautifully electric and like, really inspiring to me to be. Like it's masturbation, may you know, whatever's coming up with one of that. I'd never heard of that before until you.

Speaker 2:

The way that you show up and do life is very inspiring for me to seek out my self-pleasure, you know, either on my own or with my husband or another thing. Even like I like writing. So writing things me and Chad GPT write a lot of smut together. It's super fun. Things Me and Chad GPT write a lot of smut together. It's super fun Share it. So there is a comfortability that I have in my sensuality now that, like that is a part of who I am. I cannot, you know, given that I already have the bipolar diagnosis that automatically divides it. Okay, you have two personalities and that's not what it is Like. It's so much a spectrum. Yeah, and knowing that, like that, sexuality, sensuality, eroticism, is a part of who I am as a person and how I show up to life. It can't be put in a box like, oh, I'll have sex on Saturday and that's it. No, no, no, it's all part of who I am, at all times.

Speaker 1:

So how has understanding your bipolar being in this beautiful relationship with Josh prioritizing your pleasure and building that confidence? How has that improved your life overall?

Speaker 2:

I mean, I would say overall I'm a just very much more expressed, fully embodied human being, like I embrace every part of me, good, bad and different Mostly good though, but having a having a supportive partner understanding my illness and what to look out for because, like I said, even though I take medication like it's not perfect, I have to be on the lookout for signs and symptoms that something's not right. And then finally, 20 years after my diagnosis, I'm pretty good at spotting that and all of that has just kind of led to a full embodiment of the person who I've always wanted to be.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, and I think that's really beautiful. So many people talk about the things that happen in their life as a way that just constantly keeps them down, and I want to hold space for that and be compassionate for that, because I've not walked in their shoes, I've not walked in yours, and so I think experience is the thing that teaches us who maybe we're capable of becoming, and then it's the choice to change and shift and make better for us or more positive, like you were saying, like good things. We can make the good things. We don't have to be stuck in this narrative that we've been taught, whether it's from a church or whether it's from family, or whether it's from shitty relationships or experiences. We can definitely choose a path that actually brings us fulfillment and nourishment and like self-worthiness and acceptance, and so if there was something that you could tell your younger self right now about sex and pleasure and love and relationships, what would that be?

Speaker 2:

First thing that's coming to mind is you are meant to feel good and you're meant to be a priority.

Speaker 1:

That's really good. And do you have a favorite lesson or a quote or a story or an experience that specifically about your eroticism and about coming home to that part of yourself that you would like to share?

Speaker 2:

So maybe a kind of a lesson that I've gotten over the years is that I always know what's best for me in the end, like no one else can tell me, no one else can demonstrate, but you know that gut feeling, that intuition that this is right, this is good, and to lean with that and roll with that.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, that's really nice. It sounds like deep, like a sense of deep self trust at least Absolutely yes, and it's really beautiful to hear, because that's something that I really struggle with is like learning to truly trust myself. There's something that you said, I think, in the very beginning of when we met you're like I know, if I want something, I go after it. Like it's, if I once I decide like this is what I want, I do it. And for somebody who is like me, who deals with like productivity paralysis, who gets caught up in her head, who has ADHD, I'm like if, who really cares truly so much about being perceived and judged negatively to hear somebody else go, yeah, if I want it, I go after it. Like cool. I was like it's that simple, you can do that, what. I shall try it. I think that's so good. I think knowing you has helped me cultivate more of that inner trust, because there are moments where I'll be doing something and I'll literally be like I can just do it. I can just do it. That's who says right and it helps me continue to build that inner ecology of trust. So the fact that you, that was the lesson, it's to me, it's so powerful, it's so fucking powerful. So thank you for that. I'm glad you're welcome. Yes, so thank you so much. I appreciate you being here and, yeah, this is rad. Thank you for your perspective. You're very welcome. Thank you again for listening and to Brittany for coming on the podcast and sharing your perspective of mating and relating. Your voice is so necessary. So thank you, thank you, thank you.

Speaker 1:

Has struggled or is currently struggling with any of the topics discussed in today's episode. There are links in the show notes for you to get help and or support in any way that you need. Sometimes, the first step in these situations is to say it out loud and talk about it in a safe container. We are totally here for you and if you enjoyed this episode, share it with somebody you think would also enjoy it. Sharing is caring, caring. If you post on social media, please tag me at Brianna Andrina and like comment, subscribe, share the podcast. Your voice matters. It means so much to me and again, thank you so much for being here. Stay sexy, stay curious and we'll talk soon.